I want to write but... there isn`t anything of consequence that I could write. Nothing important, nothing that HAS to be said.. nothing that would benefit the world. I want to write. I love to write and I HAVE to write. Writing sets me free and if I didn`t write I`d be more enslaved than I am now. I`d like to write what I feel and I`d like it to matter to people. I`m not superior. Even though I think I am... even though I try and act like it, I`m not superior. I want to do something important with my life. I don`t want people to feel like I sometimes feel. No one should have to go through it. I really do feel sad.I really do feel alone though many people care about me. I cling to my emotion and love for those people that truely care for me like its a life support. If this year, I hadn`t have felt the love I do for friends in Say Si... I might not have lasted through this year. Suicidal? Am I? ...Suicidal? No. But.. I`ve... thought about it. ...I`ve thought about it. Maybe I`d do it... but not now... and not in the future. Suicide oppertunities have long gone. I`m not that stupid. But sometimes I get so angry.. and so hurt. People love to hate me. Its that easy. I love and love and love... and have this really sensitive heart... but a tough outer shell and... people push my buttons and get me where they know it hurts. This is especially true of one guy. I was really close to him for a long while. Something changed in our relationship and I wasn`t happy. I ended it. Now he hates me for it. Attacks me where he knows it gets to me. Gets people against me.. telling me things... driving me to the point where I can`t take it. I don`t care what people think... except when they tell me things I know are true. When they work my hopes and dreams against me. I haven`t been happy in a good long while. Not happy all the time. I have my days.. my moments.. but they never last like before. When I`d made the best friends I could ever have... relationships changed. Not knowing what I want is a big past of it. Most times its good when I`m not at school. Most times its good. I`ve aways gotten exacty what I wanted out of something. When I didn`t get it a certain time around... I guess it was a new wound. I don`t care about that anymore. I don`t think about it. But I feel a hole in me. From the absence of... what? I really don`t know. I don`t want a relationship. I don`t think I could handle one, I can`t even handle myself. I want affection, I know that... but I can`t handle what a relationship would mean. Friendship takes the place of that... I don`t even need a relationship. I do believe in love. I love few, but I love none the less. If we lived in a dream, if we lived in a perfect world would we be happy then? No one is to say. No one is to know because when you think you have what you want... you want something else. Or think you want something else and you... change everything so that something else fits... and then you on`t want that. Or it doesn`t want you. What do you want? What do you really want? No... really. What do you want? If you know what you want by all means... do anything to achieve it. Do anything. Its such a precious thing to know what you want. I don`t know. I probably won`t for awhile But.. if I did... I`d try my hardest to get it. I would.