Why me?

A lot of the time I feel like a big phony. I can`t do anything nearly as good as I`d like to. I'll never be satisfied. Isn`t that excruciatingly disappointing? I`ll never be a writer! It makes me so sickly sad. I wanna be sedated.... Anyway, I`m listening to Beatles-A-Rama! An awesome station on itunes under Classic Rock. ;) I`ve been listening since "The Best of the Beatles" finished on KSYM at 12:00. The song playing is.. "It's All Too Much" Whom somebody covered on Friday. Maybe that`s why I feel insignificant. I`m being all code-ish but you kids know exactly whom I mean. I need a distraction or a muse. Or someone to care about me... or try to understand me, but no one will. I`m "living in a dream that won't come true." Oh well. I`m okay. I feel independant and I want some water colours. I most likely have some somewhere... and tomorrow i`ll take them to school with my little indian-paper book and paint all day. it will be lovely and grand... and I will be libertated until I have to go to driver's ed and not Say Si, how unfair.



Do you have any of these? .... GIVE THEM TO ME!

•Hold On- John Lennon
•One Day at a Time- John Lennon
•Isn`t It A Pity- George Harrison
•Here Today-Paul McCartney


In the midst of the white night I wander, a cluster of memories at every black corner. My eyes burn a hole through the rhythm yet he still doesn`t look up, his blue gaze is at the stars... and past my quivering soul. I sit in a pool of recollection and begin to gaze upward... yet my eyes divert cruelly... in response to my heart. I can`t stand that bright rhythm.. I try to dissentigrate before it consumes me and I am too late, retreating to the scene again. My heart burns a hole, demands his eyes... but it's a collage of nonsense that meets me. I`ve fallen into my own sea again. Where I found him through different eyes. What was it about that day that everything eluded and we found new meaning? It could have been any cold day, any ice cream day where the sun was shaded from our eyes by movie star sunglasses and something was growing within... He'd already swept me off my feet... and I`d already made us invincible. But he walked in late, passed me by and looked away. I never looked to him then, he didn`t matter- the grey of the sky held me up. Yet some wind sprung from heaven and before long it was magic. And I'd never heard it really. I'd never known crisp clean understanding. It was in colour, it was gratitude. Before our eyes looked around us the coarse day wore on and we crept further out on the ocean... the tide filled me with clear cool necessity. Dragged into the waves, woven into seaweed, that`s where I fell. The sand became my blood. I`ll never know. The wind ripped through the night. You've got to hide your love away.... The sun rose in the morning without a goodbye. And I dreamt everynight... of the rippling waves I called my own. But it wasn`t the end, the shore stretched on. And when we met it was as if we had never parted... a watercolour memory no one can see. At 3:33 AM, twirling into something louder than the world, night was purple, night was empty, night was broad. We danced, we slept and drank our crystal understanding and when the day broke we wished it away... but breathed deeply in our new air. Splintered hands met mine. I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. I see I`m determined, you didn`t have to tell me with your flowery words. I'm already drawn in, you didn't have to kiss me. I`m a moth now and enevitably I`ll burn in the crimson flame. Blanketed and darkened... I know that I`ll drown in our sheet. Now when I reach for you, you hold me... but it's the night. It's just the magic in your eyes that called to me- we gave it so much so fast. At the peak we rested... and looked over all we'd conquered. Oh- it was foolish! It was a bright week and it was forever to me. Why did I jump then? I sit here now, where it all began- I can never hope to see your dark eyes alight again. And I'd like to tell you everything, how the world is so cruel and blank, the sky enveloped me ...How my heart longs to talk to yours. But I`m a void you won't understand anylonger. Yellow and electric with pain, that day I wanted to tell you what I lost, I moved to a safe path... and now I wish I'd stayed. Memory is all I have... though you're feet away.. And I can`t write glossy words for you anylonger. I can`t visit my memories without the smell of salt. I can`t say a word without smoothing over it's meaning. So I walk away from you again, for the first time again. I`m a bit of moon... a sliver of ivory soap... a drop of milky dreams... I hear you fall away.