Things to remember...

ACT OCTOBER 1st
OCTOBER 2nd CREATIVE WOMEN
HAMLET DUE FRIDAY
ESSAY DUE FRIDAY
HISTORY HOMEWORK
PRE-CAL TUTORING
STUDY FOR FINALS!!!
2 ANALYZATIONS DUE FRIDAY.. (internship)
DO HUMANITIES PROJECT
BRING TAPES FOR VIDEO TECH PROJECT
PABLO's SCREEN PLAY SYNOPSIS OCTOBER 7th
DISTRICT 1 INTRO COMPLETED BY OCTOBER 7th
SAT OCTOBER 2nd
OTHER STUFF I'M FORGETTING... DOES IT EVER STOP??

I want this like everyone else...

Something shatters like bones against white streaked pavement, hard and scraping my thinning skin. It sends me flying, crying in my stomach- tears that dry my insides until I cannot breathe and my lungs become paper. There is something lonely about reading a book, there is something lonely about smiling and about walking and about whole heart loving. I make it lonely to walk and smile and love. I hold on too tight and get pushed too far down gutter allies, with black cats jumping like mad lovers. I catch myself falling and bite my arms and pull my hair to make myself stop crying the silver pear-tears I drowned in once. I haven't cried for months. I pass by people wild and wrapped like twine around each other; my broken bones sing to them. But no one will sing to me, and more than ever I want thick lullabies to help me sleep. Warm frosting words to wrap me in velvet so that I escape from my rattling skeleton that is just peices of mirror jutting through my skin. I want fate or destiny who are playing in bird cages to be free and to find me- to sing to me finally, to tell me everything will be. ...Life will just be and we will begin. I want to hold someone's hand and hold more than just their hand, but their spirit, linked like chains of flowers around my soul, linked like life and death and love. I want bravery. Today I smiled, intense sunburst geniune and happy at a scenario I made up in my head. Make belive but real- like people dancing real silly and moms kissing the boy you like, their son. It's been over a year now- with rain and sunrises and sunsets- with the world turning and the moon orbiting like a milky halo. It's been a year that the world has been sighing and breathing, evern though it stopped and fell apart. I smiled, remembering the broken bad times, bruises blooming, cuts sprouting, I smiled making them good... and going back again to when I thought my life was purple and perfect, even though it wasn't. You know those times when you think you'll be friends forever, and you think you'll always have someone to love and hug and smash your heart against? Then when you think they'll never leave, they do and it's like you never had a heart to begin with. Sometimes you find a peice of youself in someone, a peice that isn't a broken mirror. Sometimes they won't even look at it- and sometimes, they won't even let you have it back either.

I want this like everyone else...

Something shatters like bones against white streaked pavement, hard and scraping my thinning skin. It sends me flying, crying in my stomach- tears that dry my insides until I cannot breathe and my lungs become paper. There is something lonely about reading a book, there is something lonely about smiling and about walking and about whole heart loving. I make it lonely to walk and smile and love. I hold on too tight and get pushed too far down gutter allies, with black cats jumping like mad lovers. I catch myself falling and bite my arms and pull my hair to make myself stop crying the silver pear-tears I drowned in once. I haven't cried for months. I pass by people wild and wrapped like twine around each other; my broken bones sing to them. But no one will sing to me, and more than ever I want thick lullabies to help me sleep. Warm frosting words to wrap me in velvet so that I escape from my rattling skeleton that is just peices of mirror jutting through my skin. I want fate or destiny who are playing in bird cages to be free and to find me- to sing to me finally, to tell me everything will be. ...Life will just be and we will begin. I want to hold someone's hand and hold more than just their hand, but their spirit, linked like chains of flowers around my soul, linked like life and death and love. I want bravery. Today I smiled, intense sunburst geniune and happy at a scenario I made up in my head. Make belive but real- like people dancing real silly and moms kissing the boy you like, their son. It's been over a year now- with rain and sunrises and sunsets- with the world turning and the moon orbiting like a milky halo. It's been a year that the world has been sighing and breathing, evern though it stopped and fell apart. I smiled, remembering the broken bad times, bruises blooming, cuts sprouting, I smiled making them good... and going back again to when I thought my life was purple and perfect, even though it wasn't. You know those times when you think you'll be friends forever, and you think you'll always have someone to love and hug and smash your heart against? Then when you think they'll never leave, they do and it's like you never had a heart to begin with. Sometimes you find a peice of youself in someone, a peice that isn't a broken mirror. Sometimes they won't even look at it- and sometimes, they won't even let you have it back either.

Blue light pours from my veins...

Mystery poet- reveal your identity... Sing yourself to me.

There is something to be discovered here- like songs and years, it will be sung and then fall silent. Meaning is a forgotten thing, a fear that forgetting is enevitible, unraveling like age and time. Some of us live with gaping holes in our chests- honestly searching for recognition and belonging. We smile at amusement- people slipping through our lives so quickly, in chapters, wriitng the pages of our book that are familar and heart-warming. We smile- but know soon they will not be laughable- but nostalgic. Most of us live and breathe to find an understanding, a lover, a friend, a common thought residing in two souls. Myths? As soon as we acknowledge this incarnation, the connections are lost. We find our muse- then the thought is changed. We grow. We find there are new people to be found, then we find they are to be tossed again when the mind is new. We are ever-changing. Are we satisfied? We find a new satisfaction, though the old one held up fine. Bordom had intruded. This is the resemblance of the phases in our lives.
There is something to be discovered here, belonging and joy, alienation and heartbreak. We never change do we? Changing from month to month, my ideals of the "perfect companion" fluctuate. It is admittedly sound to say I get attached to the idea of people quickly. I am intrigued by participation and am pulled in by interest. I long for activity and infatuation- devotion. I devote myself in return. And then... I change again. On to the new best friend, lover, musician, author... a dream of compatibility.

Mind games...

There is a gorgeous voice rippling through my veins- singing so gently, dripping with a sugar sweet thickess... my muse escapes. Okay! Movies I want to see, no particular order:

• My Summer of Love
• The Corpse Bride
• Shopgirl
• Little Manhattan
• Bee Season
• Nina's Tragedies
• Pride and Prejudice
• Proof

..And um, other stuff... I need to work on something more important...

My Summer of Love...

Now playing at the Bijou! I'm excited. Some sad Aimee Mann for your liking...

You don't know, so don't say you do --
You don't.
You might think that things will change,
But take my word --
They won't
You paint a lovely picture,
But reality intrudes
With a message for you
And it's real bad news

I was undecided like you
At first
But I could not stem the tide of overwhelm
And thirst
You try to keep it going, but a lot of avenues
Just aren't open to you
when you're real bad news

I've got love and anger
They come as a pair
You can take your chances
But buyer beware
And I won't
Make you feel bad
When I show you
This big ball of sad isn't
Worth even filling with air

And baby, let me tell you
You can get some things confused
Like whose secrets are whose
And that's real bad news
Real bad news

Sarah Lawrence is love...

...If I don't get in I'm gonna cry really loudly.

And so.. the days get better.

Good day over all. Thumbs up. Internship seminar today went surprisingly well, even though I am terrified of Ms. Valdez. I the had Humanities and me and Gerardo are friends. I walked into the room and Mr. McCusker was palying Billie Holliday. He was very pleased that I knew Billie Holliday. He asked me to meet him at lunch for some reason, but I forgot to, and now I feel bad. In Humanities, the cool, super smart intern was teaching class because Ms. Ozuna was conspicously absent. Yes!! (She's nice but, weird.) The intern will be teaching the next couple of classes too. Way cool. Gerardo kept commenting about how cute he looked in his yellow and red bowtie and his blazer and about how sweet his accent was. I kept laughing and laughing, and Gerardo kept admiring him. His hair, his eyes, his smile... his sense of humor. I didn't even notice how well put together the guy was until Gerardo was done thoroughly swooning over him. Sadly enough, I can't remember the intern's name. He's a damn neat teacher though. He led a discussion about "Ozunaism" and perhaps why Ms. Ozuna picks such horrible poetry. He had us read some of our poetry aloud, but I didn't go because I hate my poetry. We all commented n it. Most of it was a lot better than the crap we read. Well, some of it. Not everyone's a poet. Then, worst of all, we watched a boring movie on the Maya. Sadly, Ms. Ozuna had picked this one out. Everyone tried to pay attention, but it was difficult because it was so boring. I wish the film was better because I love the Maya and all those ancient culture type things. (I'm not being grammatically correct right now because.. I'm not in the mood.) Then I had Video Tech, which again, was suprisingly fun. Jerry was in a weird mood where he was telling everyone off- in very casual clever ways. We laughed endlessly and Mr. Ortiz threated to disperse our group members among the other groups. He took Marcus away for about 2 minutes, but we saved him from the odd concept of the Lee under-achievers. I made him our main editor. He doesn't know a thing about editing- but all in due time. He's quite a confident fellow. Oddly enough, Jerry has something really weird against him, and he picks on him a lot which makes my motherly instincts go haywire. While Marcus was trying to edit, Jerry and I talked about the olden days, oddly and cautiously avoiding the David days. We really were good friends, and it shows again. I don't think anyone knows that we knew each other before this class, so they think our friendship union is rather odd. Funny. After that was lunch, I'm going to be part of this art club that's going to go do art with the children who were Hurricane victims. I hope that turns out neat. After I signed up for that, I went to Mr. Flieger's room where my feminist English group watched, "The Vagina Monolgues" Gerardo had taped it on HBO, and thought it might work for our presentation on Friday. Its great! I loved it, and I hope the other kids did too. Melissa looked really uncomfortable. I hope she wasn't. We should use it on Friday even if it is a bit risque. After lunch was over I went to Creative women and drank Morraccan tea! We also talked about the oppression of women in Morrocco. Since the peoples are Islam, it's really hard for them up there. Ms. Reed even dressed up in the veil and clothing. I liked it a lot. Then was Speech, where Juliana and I performed a skit, and I got another 110 on a quiz. Speech smells, it's too easy for life. Now I'm at Say Si! Nobody's here... but we're being interviewed about our Documentary ideas. Mine's on Feminist Opression in a younger society. I've got my Doc pegged. ;)

I want you to sigh and fall apart...

I'm through. I'm through with loving and caring and even... trying to build on top of my scars. Social life leaves you a fucking casualty. I've lost 50 thousand friends in the course of 3 months. You can't make anyone happy and at this point, I can't even make myself happy. I'm afraid of being brave and things keep haunting me from my past. Literally, haunting... and it's coming closer and closer to the point in time when my life will be determined, and I can't even make up my own mind. I can't stick to my dreams and fucking get things done. I'm not a strong person, why can't I say and do what I want? And when I do- someone always makes me feel like shit. It's usually myself.

Have I been had?

Putting your faith into something's a sure-fire way to get heartbroken ...said the pot to the kettle.

I miss things, I miss people. I miss everything making sense even though I don't remember when that was. Carly and I were talking about Matt and Brian up in New York. I miss them. I miss Brian's crazy seductive dance moves at Say Sí. I kinda even miss Jefferson, and its simplicity. I miss O'bryan. I miss the art club. I miss Lauren and Maxie and Ruby. I miss going to school dances. I miss David. I miss fall and winter. I miss New York. I miss Justin. I miss walking at night with friends. I miss going to shows until 3 AM. I miss Hector. I miss the old Say Sí kids. I miss the SSG. I miss Carly Coburn. I miss lots of things... and if I forgot you, just know, I miss you too.

Bubble bursted...

I think tomorrow I will smash my computer. Until then, I will continually abuse myself with an internet that hates me. ...Yup.

Behind the garden wall, when the stars are bright- you are in my arms...

I am having the best weekend, and I haven't had one of those in a long time. First of all, I had a great, great, awesomely wonderful time Friday nite. Those details are for me, and you can't have them! But, just so you know, it was such a lovely comfortable evening that into today I was nothing but rosy-tempered. WAM went so so well, the kids listened so well, and we got everything done. I am so proud of us. SAY Sí triumphs! I didn't think it could have gone any better. After WAM, I rested for a few minutes before Carly showed up. When she did, we tried to go to a "cool vintage" garage sale that was advertised everywhere around Bluestar. But we didn't make it because we under-estimated its distance from Say Sí. So, we worked on documentary ideas. Are there any ideas out there?? All ideas are due Monday, and I am having total thinker's block. (That's kinda like writer's block. FYI) Not completely done with brain storming, we had a Senior Meeting, and I felt very prepared and ahead because I have registered for everything I should be registered for-ACT, SAT I and SAT II! Hooray me! But- I do need to start my scholarship stuff. I procrastinated on those registrations too, just to be honest. :) When the senior meeting was done, the Media Arts seniors got tacos and went meet the rest of the studio at the exhibit in Art Pace Carly told us about. Cool cool cool. Let me explain this exhibit. It was sort of a human behavior exhibit- or at least that's what I got out of it. You went through two galleries that I'm guessing represented night and day, ying and yang... or something of that nature, and then your sight is taken from you. Listen up, becuse I don't think that made too much sense. Everyone had already gone through but me, Sarah, and my dad, but Carly- who had done it the previous day, was with us. Okay, so you step into a tear drop shaped doorway and the first gallery has a big recliner and video of sky and bird above. The room is nearly completely dark except for the video on the ceiling. After this, you step into the next gallery, which consists of a black light above a glowing chair that they use to execute prisoners or what have you. Creepy. And finally- the best part, your sense of sight is completely taken from you. You go through a doorway and all light is shut away. The next part is making your way through this long maze of darkness, relying on sight and touch. To be honest, it was a totally incredible experience for me. Literally, it must be pretty much how it is to be blind. Going in there at first felt fine, because Carly and I held hands, so we were helping each other. But, after about five minutes, I kinda of freaked because we kept getting stuck in the same dead end. I really was freaked out. Somehow, in some weird sisterly bond kind of way, Olivia found me and Carly. I don't know where she came from. Carly was fine because she'd done it before, but I have no idea why I reacted the way I did. So Liv comforted me and helped me get out of there. At the end of the exhibit was another tear shaped doorway leading to a warm 50's type parlor. When I saw it, it felt so lovely to see. It was weird. So there was that. When I got home later, I decided to take a walk because I started to think about how I take my sight for granted. I walked in a light rain for a long time. I looked in the sky and on the ground. I looked at the trees and at people. I saw two rainbows. I saw a man with a half-toothless smile. I found a love note on the ground. I saw pink pink worms. I saw a little boy with one black sock and one blue. It was fun. It was really nice. I walked back home and looked at the colours in the sky as the clouds drifted away and it stopped raining. When I got home, my mom was finally home. For some reason everyone decided we should go to the mall. So we did. The whole family went to the mall. We made fun of fashion trends and laughed a hulluva lot. Then we went to Olive Garden and laughed more about silly things until we were all crying from laughter in the restaurant and people were staring. Then we drove home and talked about everything you can imagine. Now, I am here- hoping Sunday can somehow top Friday- but I doubt it. :)

I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what...

I'm sick. Totally rocking in my feverish, throat hurting, congested, gross feeling glory. Only not rocking. Boredom and sleeping. Dad picked me up at 12:30ish, after my lovely 80 question U.S History test. Lovely. Thank goodness I didn't have to go to Pre-cal today. So, I came home and fumbled around, put some tunes on and drifted in and out of sleep. Tunes still going on as I'm typing this, some Aimee Mann. I don't know when anyone's going to get home. I feel nauseated, but I haven't eaten anything today... and I'm wondering if I should eat even though the thought is unappealing. I have big, scary news. I have a Sarah Lawrence College interview THIS WEDNESDAY. My future will potentially be decided THIS WEDNESDAY. I don't know if I'm liking that idea. I'm not smart. I'm supposed to wait to interview with SLC until I'm smarter. Or better at speaking. Maybe that's why I feel nauseated.

My day!!

Here goes... I woke up late, again, because I smell. So I quickly got ready, then headed off to school. I got there as the two minute warning bell was sounding. Lame. So I went up to Humanities. My new friend Gerardo, the gay one, was there today, but sitting with someone already because I was late. So- I sat alone. Oh well. We started with our "Poetry of the Day" which was some 5 word haiku that my teacher profusely over-analysed. Then, we read the Popul Voh... or something to that effect- which is a Mayan creation story. Nice. It was interesting. Then, I went to video tech and was reminded of more stuff I already know. Like logging and capturing, and time codes. I had to help my cool group who are now my friends... to some extent. I broke a key board, and the computer yelled at me. Other Gerardo, my Jeff freind, laughed. Good times. I then had lunch, where I texted messaged throught the whole 45 minutes mostly Brian Cool Guy and Justin, who had a bad day. :( Next was Creative Women, where we analysed Gender stereotypes in language. I was very vocal, and everyone stared at me. It was pretty intimidating. We watched a movie on Women's Sufferage, then the ball rang and I went to Speech. We got LOCKED IN. If I got stranded with those people after school I would die. We finished speeches and did book work. Gross. After that, I went to meet the kids by the outdoor classroom, and Brian Other Guy, this kid I can't shake... has found out where I hang. So Sarah, Liv and I leave quickly for Say Si! But no Carly there... but, a glorious letter she wrote, delivered by the hand of Desi! And- that made my day. And text messaging made my day. And internet. I also went to a Dartmouth presentation. Ivy league. Probably not gonna happen.

GET THE HELL OFF MY BLOGGING TERRITORY!

...I tried to be nice... Spammers- JUST GO AWAY.

HUMANS AGAINST BLOG SPAM

....Ok, I've done it once. But I sincerely liked the blog! Please, I've gotten 3 blog spams in the past couple days. Unless you're a friend, fellow blog kid... or something- LEAVE ME ALONE! ..I'm going to go cry now.

Talk about parental compassion...

Last year, I was totally Angela. I should tell Carly, and we should laugh and then think about how sad that really is. I'm listening to Hands Down. I know nobody really likes Dashboard Confessional, but they speak to my emo side like no one would believe. =P And honestly, Hands Down is a great song. Listen to the lyrics- it's lovely when you think about it. Imagery run a muck. Today was nice overall. I went to see March of the Penguins at the Bijou. It was good- not the greatest film ever but, good. I now know more than I thought I would ever know about Emperor Penguins. There were some little kids sitting behind me who wouldn't shut up though. Throughout the movie one little boy kept yelling, "Animals are dumb! Why is this movie about penguins! I hate penguins, penguins are stupid!" It was funny at first, but later very annoying. But man, those penguins totally love each other and they love their chicks. They go through so much just to make sure their children live. I got teary-eyed at the intrduction even though it wasn't sad at all... I'm guessing it was basically because I secretly am in love with Morgan Freeman. After the movie, I went to Target but didn't get any hair dye, I forgot my debit card, but tomorrow... I will be a different colour. I need some kind of change. And though I doubt it's physically, a little box of hair dye won't hurt anything. I introduced Brian to blogspot, and just yesterday he achieved his first entry! Way to go... I think every writer should have a blog. It's just natural, you know?

You said you're always sleeping... it's just hard to believe it.

I keep writing blogs and forgetting to post them- not that anyone cares. Re-cap: Today was good, made friends, had fun, first friday was sad, friends are foreign, car ride with Carly was good... Write that screen play idea down.

So crawl back into bed, dream that your heart was open wide and you loved things just because...

I'm failing Pre-Cal. I feel like an idiot because I am one. Everyone says I'll work it out, but there's not a weight on their shoulders to be perfect. Ugh. I wish I were allowed to be a lousy student like everyone normal. I feel all distressed. On a side note: Hey- if you love someone, show them, don't just tell them... Ok, who's going to First Friday? I know I am. Maybe no one else is and I can wander downtown by myself and stuff. Because I DON'T do that already... yeah, just shakin things up, only not.