Ahh... -sniff sniff- the sweet smell of change... Yet, I plan to evolve this blog. For one, my logos could use some spiffing up... And from there the list goes on.

Still haven`t figured out how to change the commenting button... Eh, but I figured out a lot of other junk. n.n Ah well, tomorrow.. I`m coming to change you commenting button!!!

A couple more personality tests for ya... Here are my results:

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 54% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 3 Ambition |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 78% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 8 Hostility |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||| 50% Your Conscious-Surface type is 5w4 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w5

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 66% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58% Narcissistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||| 34% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

INFP or.. INFJ? Hmm..

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I made a bar code for myself. n.n SCAN ME NOW!!!!!

Yes, yes... a new feature on my blog.... COMMENTING. What fun. xP Yes so... knock yourselves out while I try and figure out a way to make the button smaller. n.n

There`s one whole hour before the MAS band can rehearse and my fingers are itching to play. Mmhm. -Yawns- Yesterday we practiced a lot and drove the studio crazy. It was fun though, except some drums and a xylophone got added and I can hardly hear myself or Monica. We`re either gonna get some electric instruments or some microphones. The more realistic of the two would be the microphones... though an electric cello and violin would be hella tight. n.n Ha ha ha. 20 minutes until the torture commences. Anyhow... Last nite I went on a quest for sheet music on the internet. After an hour or so of constant searching I finally found a site. Sad thing is I can`t reveal it to you now, as I am not at home and forgot the name of the site... but perhaps later... Yes. Later. Ahhh! I wanna practice. -Kicks the clock- Go FASTER! Mmhm. I have nothing to do right now.... but wait. I hate when that happens.... and I have no information to relay into you, dear blog... -Thinks- Besides information I cannot type down. xP Grr... -Kicks self for giving blog address to persons who give it out to persons who do not matter- Yup. And.. that`s all folks. Tune in later for another episode of No Title, dear. And when I say episode I probably mean episode. Probably.

Corner of SOUTH SAN JACINTO AND SAN FERNANDO. <--- Just for refrence later.

I`ve been sitting here trying to figure out how the hell to crotchet.... Not working... u.u But I shall not give up. NEVER! C`mon.. I can do this... n.n

"From now on our troubles will be out of sight..........." I`m okay now. Mmhm.

"Everything`s Not Lost," Coldplay.

When I'm counting up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulder
I drove the other ones away

If you ever feel neglected
If you think all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
Everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

'Cause if you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

If you ever feel neglected
If you think all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

Singing out
Oh oh oh yeah, Oh oh yeah, Oh oh yeah
Everything's not lost

Hopefully, nothing`s lost at all...

I want to write but... there isn`t anything of consequence that I could write. Nothing important, nothing that HAS to be said.. nothing that would benefit the world. I want to write. I love to write and I HAVE to write. Writing sets me free and if I didn`t write I`d be more enslaved than I am now. I`d like to write what I feel and I`d like it to matter to people. I`m not superior. Even though I think I am... even though I try and act like it, I`m not superior. I want to do something important with my life. I don`t want people to feel like I sometimes feel. No one should have to go through it. I really do feel sad.I really do feel alone though many people care about me. I cling to my emotion and love for those people that truely care for me like its a life support. If this year, I hadn`t have felt the love I do for friends in Say Si... I might not have lasted through this year. Suicidal? Am I? ...Suicidal? No. But.. I`ve... thought about it. ...I`ve thought about it. Maybe I`d do it... but not now... and not in the future. Suicide oppertunities have long gone. I`m not that stupid. But sometimes I get so angry.. and so hurt. People love to hate me. Its that easy. I love and love and love... and have this really sensitive heart... but a tough outer shell and... people push my buttons and get me where they know it hurts. This is especially true of one guy. I was really close to him for a long while. Something changed in our relationship and I wasn`t happy. I ended it. Now he hates me for it. Attacks me where he knows it gets to me. Gets people against me.. telling me things... driving me to the point where I can`t take it. I don`t care what people think... except when they tell me things I know are true. When they work my hopes and dreams against me. I haven`t been happy in a good long while. Not happy all the time. I have my days.. my moments.. but they never last like before. When I`d made the best friends I could ever have... relationships changed. Not knowing what I want is a big past of it. Most times its good when I`m not at school. Most times its good. I`ve aways gotten exacty what I wanted out of something. When I didn`t get it a certain time around... I guess it was a new wound. I don`t care about that anymore. I don`t think about it. But I feel a hole in me. From the absence of... what? I really don`t know. I don`t want a relationship. I don`t think I could handle one, I can`t even handle myself. I want affection, I know that... but I can`t handle what a relationship would mean. Friendship takes the place of that... I don`t even need a relationship. I do believe in love. I love few, but I love none the less. If we lived in a dream, if we lived in a perfect world would we be happy then? No one is to say. No one is to know because when you think you have what you want... you want something else. Or think you want something else and you... change everything so that something else fits... and then you on`t want that. Or it doesn`t want you. What do you want? What do you really want? No... really. What do you want? If you know what you want by all means... do anything to achieve it. Do anything. Its such a precious thing to know what you want. I don`t know. I probably won`t for awhile But.. if I did... I`d try my hardest to get it. I would.

I`ve forgotten how I vibratoed those 2 times. u.u Eh... I just can`t remember and its terrible. -Yawn- I`m also very tired... and I need to brush my eyes with some nail polish... and eat some snails just because i like the texture... then i wanna go shopping for useless crap...that i won;t use o_O Yeah. Mark is weird. WHAT A FREAK! You go brush your eyes with some nail polish. A nice blue will do. o_o

I`m so bored that I`m watching a glob of mousse evaporate... o_O ... (minutes later) It`s now a small puddle with little bubbles in it...

-Frown- Damn you broken picture link!!! Delete!

Christmas is around the corner... Fa la la la la la la la laaa.. n.n



I hope it feels like magic this year. I always love Christmas because it feels like.. magic. Heh. Its stupid but... I dunno how to explain it. -Plays Christmas songs on her cello- n.n -Grins- Maybe a dose of good ole Christmas spirit will get me out of this funk o` mine!

La la la la... I wore pigtails today. Not pigtails pigtails but.. still. Today was okay. I did well on my music theory test and my teacher said he was proud of me. He likes to build relationships with his students and I like teachers like that. It lets you know they care about you... in and outside of the classroom... and he does. He came to the premire of "U". n_n Joe taught me how to vibrato today. I did it a couple times... and he says all I have to do is practice to be able to do it well. Yaaay Joe! -Hug- Ohh... everything`s changed on me. I know no one`s the same.... -sigh- There`s another.. not a sister. What`s that mean and why`d I say it??? Where`d I hear it?? o.O Uuhh.. sorry. I have no reason to be miserable, guys!!! I`m really gonna try not to be. It`s probaly just a matter of an attitude adjustment...
Someone wise reminded me:

"God says that he does all things so in the end... everything is good"

I believe it. It`s hope... it`s something... something I grasp tightly. -Sigh- Yep.
Hey Crystal... if you read this.. thanks. Thank you so much.

"Cereal wouldn`t work guys...it`s gotta be bacon!!" Heh. That was weird. o_O -Laughs- What the hell was wrong with me? n.n

IS the MAS band really awesome?? Or... are you just pullin` my leg?? Huh? Huh?? Well in MY eyes, I had fun.. we all had fun... so the MAS band rocks EVERYONE`s socks. n.n We need a name guys! Monica`s already made the promotional poster... now only the name is to be determined. n.n I love playing with you guys. Happy, happy, happiness.... -Contented sigh- I love music.. I love the cello. -Marries a cello- Heh. -Grins-

It`s Wednesday! My least favorite day.. both to live though and spell!! n.n Hmm. Today was okay. Uneventful... but okay. And that.. is that!

Today our orchestra portable lay in ruins... well, not totally in ruins but... most of the ceiling had collapsed inside of it. It was terrible. u.u No cello today. But... we got to go to the library! So, we went to the library and I was browsing through the many books... looking in the philosophy section... looking in the the psychology section... but I just couldn`t decide what to get. So, I browsed the fiction sction and came upon Ayn Rand`s Anthem. I checked it out just as the bell rang and then headed off to English where we were assigned to read THe Tragedy of Julius Caesar. I`d already read it so I didn`t start on the assignment... well, actually, I started reading and then stopped after the first page or so picked up Anthem and started reading it. Pretty soon I was so involved in it... you know, like the full blown reading experience... and it was already time for third. The book was getting so interesting... and pulled me further and further into it so that I didn`t even wanna put it down for passing period.. So there I was, heading all the way to Chemistry with my nose in a book, running into people... stopping mid-hallway... And I enter third period.. not aware of anything around me. There was a substitute in there and I basically ignored her and continued being captivated by the excitement of this new world in my hands... I read and read and read... like I hadn`t done in a long time. It was.. fufilling. I finished the Anthem by lunch time, right after 3rd, and... felt compelled to go back to the library and check out The Fountainhead. So I did nothing for 4th period but read either. Finally, for 5th period I decided to stop the reading, cause I like music theory and need to learn it better... And hense I was broken of my reading habit for the day... and now want to get home to read some more.. but I`ll prolly just wind up here, on the internet. I always do.

My best friend Crystal read my blog and then e-mailed me asking what it was. Where was the Sara she knew? HER Sara? Where am I? Why am I so unhappy? I just read my blog and.. -shrug-

Its almost as if there`s a party in this blog... oh but... there isn`t. Quite the opposite, darling.

I`m an INFJ... or so this test says... Personality Test -Shrug-

The remants of my soul, so heavy with deception and doubt now shrink into a chaos of impurities. Perhaps I could have prevented it, and perhaps I still can but... my will to do so dwindles to a mere nothing. I am left with the faded debris of sorrow that slowly illuminate and fortify the darkness of my personality. When you are a balance, you wish not to be so, but when absence of weight leaves you dormant, a strong craving for that weight envelopes you and your state of mind. You only wish to find the proper balance in being a balance and wish to break free from the weight that is constantly placed upon you. You pine for everyday pleasures and when not achieved, you become hostile and put off to the world. Seemingly, neither justice nor refuge exist. When alone with these feelings, all your emotions take hold of you, cradling your heart in the ever-constant burrowing pit of profound sorrow. Being new, freshly made and naïve, these changes indefinately alter your senses and distort the world as experienced by all that you`ve known. Its a deep and irrational feeling of... defeat.

This morning and part of this afternoon I helped host the Middle School UIL one act play contest. Tafolla did excellent and they made me SO proud. n.n Kristin and Jaymes got best actor and best actress. They were marvelous and I can`t express my happiness. In worse news, dear Monica isn`t here and we`re supposed to go to Rivercenter tonite. Ah.. -sigh-

I only saw Fred once today... and today I needed him the most. The events of the day were... rather dismal and so slow that I got to think about and analyze each and every bad aspect of it and every unkind word said to me. I won`t go into the school day.. thats another awful story. -Shrugs- Seeing and talking to Monica Falischa and Tim helped. But then... I had to stay after school for theatre. No one there likes me... even though I like them... I do. My theatre teacher can`t remember my name though he sees me everyday and after school tons... and I know he doesn`t like me. Sadly, he`s the type of guy that plays favorites when assigning roles in productions... -sigh- People I`ve spent zillions of laughs with, zillions of hugs... zillions of helping them.. and working with them and loving them... left me for a guy they knew only for a short period of time and forgot I existed. Well.. all but one very loyal little red-head. n_n I love her. Yes, but the others... even though I was right infront of them.. and was doing things for their benefit.. they didn`t care. Worstly, being obligated at school deprived me of seeing a particular person whom is one of the few loves in my life. I got in the car and my mom immediately started telling me who she saw at International Nite. She told me about a lot of my old friends... that I do love... but... then she tells me that Eddie was there. Hearing this, oddly enough I broke into tears... And I`m crying again... fuck! Today would have been one of the the only 2 days I get to see him this year, that is... if he`s still in Orchestra... -Sigh- It hurts to lose touch with a friend as good as Eddie was... and is. We were so close... in many ways. I guess no one can understand the type of relationship and love we shared... and not many knew it but us two. He always called himself my brother... I dunno.. we were just close. I guess I had a relationship with him like I do with Say Siers.... but different still. Hey I think... I have an idea. This would make me feel so much better. I can`t believe I never thought of this before. -Sigh- I can be so.. unethical sometimes.

-Sigh- Today was awful. I cried and cried.

Today was okay. (And I just took forever to sort out my html tags) Most parts of my day were just.. okay... But after school and at Say Si.. I was happy and me again for a short period of time. Looking up at the clouds.. rolling in the grass... hopping and skipping... poking people... Ah... -Contented sigh- Did you guys see me?!? What do you think?!? n_n I`m happy when I`m me. Maybe I should do it more often. n.n

Hmm... I dunno what to write but I suddenly had the urge to do so. It`s true. I finally had an idea about what we could do when we grow up! I was going to write yesterday about making... oh wait! You can steal my idea! I don`t know who you are and you can steal it! So... I`ll just say I had an idea about making a restaurant... a MAS restaurant... partly inspired by Carly's diner. We could all work there... and make MILLIONS of dollars (not that`d money`d be important but we'd have to make a lot to support the lot of us.)... and we'd all live in a HUGE house. Ah, that`d be the life. But.. it wouldn`t really be growing up would it? -Sigh- Wish it`d happen...

Hmm. I`m s`posed to be doin` chemistry.. but I`m AIMing. AIM AIM AIM! xP

Today, in seventh period, it was like explode day. I exploded quietly... under the care of Falischa... And Monica... Monica exploded regally, and she had reason to. Oh how terrible life can be. It becomes clearer and clearer... everyday. Its a shame, a shame what your heart does to you. -Sigh- It makes me so sad to think of this... so I won`t. Falischa says its no good.

If you are reading this, I am in Austin trying to enjoy myself and probably not succeeding. Today was horrible, and that was my fault. I`m so stupid... Anyway, if any of you need me or anything happens and you need my wonderful guidance (yeah...), drop me a line. sarasue2u@yahoo.com (I`ve been meaning to change that for a year now.) But.. yeah. Miss you guys, love you, take care... -Tear- I make it seem like I`ll be gone an eternity instead of a weekend.

Its a cold day. Well, not really that cold, but cold none the less. In theatre we had to go outside and recite monlogues out on the football field because the ancient Greeks used to preform outdoors. So Falisha and I chose to sit on the top row of the bleachers, which was not smart at all. The wind was blowing and... it was tre cold for us up there. So we called Tim and Monica to come up and sit with us, and then Albert came and a little girl named Mandy. So we all decided to form a little circle thing and..."'cuddle," (It was Monica`s idea.) That kept us semi-warm but probably brought our "audience participation" grade really low. But hey! Mr. Rehm shouldn`t have made us go out because it was cold and we were unprepaired for the weather. Mmhm. Tsk tsk Mr. Rehm, didn`t think about that did you?? And we`ll all catch colds... and maybe even die and it`ll be all your fault. u.u I`m so ashamed for him. In worse news, I was pissed off today, yes yes... Clyde and J.D again. Apparantly "everyone knows I`m going to shoot myself so I had better do it soon so everyone`ll be happy". I`m pissed that they think I`m suicidal because I`m different. I`m not suicidal. Just quiet, intorverted and sometimes... unhappy. I`m very unhappy at school most of the time and its apparant to everyone... apparantly. Jeez, that`s why those damn kids get on my nerves.Clyde said something really awful to me yesterday before the play. I`m not going to say what because it was horrible... and intended to hurt me, which it didn`t... just made me highly upset... and I wanted to hurt him, and that`s terrible. I`ve never totally hated someone... I admit it, even if I say I have, its not true. I`ve disliked people... and they`ve hated me but I never hated them. In most cases, I liked them and they hated me. So... I`ve never hated anyone but I think I`m starting to hate this guy. He`s trying to inflict hurt on me... for past grievances. That`s just stupid. He makes me sick. I feel so sorry for him... and how if he was a good person at all he wouldn`t be trying to hurt me to make himself feel better. The stupid thing is almost EVERYONE likes this guy and he`s SUPER nice to everyone... everyone but me... so if I say I hate this guy, people are going to react negatively towards me. I`ve experienced this already. I told someone what he said to me and she turned to me with a face that said, "Yeah right, he`d never say that... ever. You`re just some unhappy bitch making these things up." I dunno what the hell he`s trying to do but now I get the feeling he`s trying to drive people away from me.. not that I have many friends... but it just seems like he is. This is so immature and its making me upset. This guy just needs to grow up and leave me the hell alone. -Kicks- Well, on a lighter note, I`m at Say Sí.. Wheee....... Yay!

Gilbert made me borrow A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar. That`s right, MADE me. He pulled his C.D. player out in Chemistry and told me to listen. The first track on it is Hands Down, but its a little different from the Hands Down I have. I like them both, each for their diffrent reasons. But I was listening to it and I got all emo. It was weird. I even.. teared. One tear rolled down my cheek... Isn`t that so dorky? But I was thinking about the words... and... I really don`t know what happened to me for a second there. So... I listened to Dashboard all through Chemistry... and then I go to return the C.D. and player to Gilbert and he goes, "You can borrow it," and I`m like, "Are you sure?" And he told me, "Take it" An` so I happily listened to Dashboard all through Lunch and Algebra II. It was the highlight of my day and Gilbert doesn`t know what it meant to me... just to listen to a little música and keep me sane. Today was a bad day. I`m not on the program for the god damned play and I approach Mr. Rehm about is I`m in the play or not. So he asks me if I`d been to all the rehersals, I tell him that I`ve been to some... (I really have been to quite a few.) And he says, "Well??" It sounded like he meant... you haven`t been to ENOUGH to be in the play. Thats basically what I got out of that. So now I`m pissed off as hell and I call my Dad to come pick me up because there is no fucking way I`m going to stay somewhere where I`m not wanted not to mention, somewhere I don`t want to be... So my Dad comes to pick me up and my Mom has made him promise to go talk to Mr. Rehm... so he asks him if I`m in the play or not.. and my Dad says that he says I am.. and that he never told me I wasn`t. I never said he said I wasn`t.. I SAID it sounded like I was unwanted and it sure looked like it too. So now I`m pissed off and more then ever don`t want to be part of this play. I mean hell, I`m not even on the shitty program so.. who`d miss me?? No one wants me there either.. all the damned theatre people hate me... or so it seems... and I`m not fond of them... AT ALL. But.. I have to go tonite because my parents are making me... and I mad as hell. I wanna cry.

In worse news, I got deprived my role of lady 2. Not that I care particularly. Actually, its a load off. I don`t even know my lines and the play`s Wednesday. Guess I don`t have to worry anymore.

Today was a day that was.. better. Mmhm, ya see in my Music theory class, it seems that they got my grade wrong... way wrong. I actually recieved a 90 in that class, opposed to the 75 they gave me. Those bastards. Heh. No, I`m glad they checked up on that cause now my GPA`s much better. n.n

I`ve got to thinking about how many damned times I think of... only myself. This is most of the time, I`m sorry to say. Like right now... I`m... writing this and instant messaging... feeling sorry for... myself. I don`t know what this emptiness is that I`m feeling... but I`m guessing its lack of social involvement, lack of wanting... Lack of knowledge. Knowledge of the world. And then I come to think... of the problems and fears of myself and those close friends that I love, and I can`t help but look at us and wonder why we aren`t happy. Compared to the rest of the world, things are looking, not completely sunny, but at least moderately sunny for some of us. This is particularly true in my case. It is ignorance, ignorance and self involvement that makes my sky grey. My problems do not lie in that of others or the ways of the world at all, but in myself. And maybe if I open my eyes a little wider... take into consideration how very good I have it in this world, I might see that my sky is not grey at all... but a brilliant shade of blue. A pure and reassuring blue. It`s probably a dazzlingly innocent colour... innocent, yet not naïve, not naïve at all. I`m yet to see the colour, but I suppose this is the first step to achieving coloured vision.

I feel strange. Strange... like an empty strange. Like I forgot something.. or I`m missing something... -Sigh- I feel like I`m missing something.