Its Halloween, and its... Halloween. That`s all I have to say about that. Well, Fred, Hector, Sarah and I might go to Siloween tonite... if my parents let me. -Prays-

I wanna live life, never be cruel, I wanna live life, be good to you.
I wanna fly, never come down, And live my life, And have friends around.
We never change, do we? 
We never learned to leave, So I wanna live in a wooden house,
I wanna live life, always  be true, I wanna live life, and be good to you,
I wanna fly, and never come down, And I live my life, and have friends around.
We never change do we? No, no, We never learned to bleed,
So I wanna live in a wooden house, Making more friends would be easy.
O I don't have a show to say, Yes, and I sing of a single day,
We never change do we? We never learned to leave.
So, I wanna live life in a wooden house, Making more friends would be easy,
I wanna live where the sun comes out.

Mmhm. -Nods-

I`m sitting here, phasing out. Feeling, sick, emo and depressed. I don`t want to go to school. There`s nothing there but fear today for me. Oh how I wish... I could believe.

I was so brave today. And yet it was such a bad day. Er... help?! I made a 75 in music theory on my report card. ME. Who`s never made less than a 93 in any subject. Jacob told me my report card looked like a beautiful antique peice of cloth... with a big hole right in the center.

Chemistry: 100, Orchestra: 100, Geography: 97, English II: 97, Theory: 75, Algebra II: 93 Theatre: 100

Damn it, this sucks like hell. Do you know HOW much tht brings down my GPA?? TOO MUCH. This really killed me today... and now... the task ahead, TO TELL MY PARENTS. They`ll finish me off. My whole day was horrible. Oh! It was terrible! And to top it off... well, I won`t say but... its pretty bad.

I`m tempramental, that`s what it is. -Shakes head- What a shame.

I`m really sick of every thing right now. Especially sick of myself. I just want to sleep. But... I can`t. Verdi`s coming over to film a voice over we forgot to do. After he`s gone I think I`ll have a good cry and then sleep... I hope its a dreamless sleep. I really don`t want to deal with anything or anyone right now, not even in dreams. I didn`t even want to deal with dressing today... but Verdi called... and I had to. I feel so frustrated. At what though? I don`t know... but perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Yeah. My sister`s trying to read this and I swear... if she doesn`t stop I`ll punch her in the face. That`s how frustrated I am. I hate when people try to read what you`re writing, unless you invite them to. I`m upset. I`m really really upset. I don`t know what to say... I wish you could see me now, see inside.

I`ve finally blown it all. I don`t know why I did it... ok, yeah, I know why. I`m afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of causing hurt, afraid of losing a friend. Well... I stopped myself from doing one of the three. Its terrible and I feel... ridiculous and dumb. -Sigh- Why do I feel alone? Truth is... I really don`t... I really haven`t for awhile. Why did I say it then? Fear. To drive others away. To keep a friend. Why do I drive others away? I break people. I do. One of the complications of me. And maybe I`m wrong when I say the things I do. Maybe I am. I`m so selfish and inconsiderate of others. And that`s how I break them. That`s how it is and its going to be. No one deserves that. No one I love deserves that. No friend of mine deserves that.

These past two days were... odd, to say the ABSOLUTE LEAST. What I think, what I thought, what I feel and don`t feel have been put to the test... like the world is... literally playing a game with me. Like there are people playing a devious game... here`s the conversation as it would go:

"Hmm... this has been a boring week... Wait... I know! Let us compile things onto a human girl and she how she reacts!"

"Excellent plan! Yes, yes, but thosethings should be three very good things. And they should come after one terrible thing! Let us break her... watch her glue herself back together and then fling the three good things right in her face!"

"Oh! That sounds marvelous! I agree... but I have a slightly different version. Let us... let us... confuse her! Throw some mixed feelings into her... break her... watch her glue herself back together, fling the three good things in her face... and then slowly take them away from her!"

"Oooh... that`s terrible! ...Let`s do it!"

-Shakes head- Wouldn`t it be terrible if there WERE people picking on you... -Sigh- That`s how I feel. And the good things all will slowly fade away, -points- there goes one now... And I`ll be left alone again. No one wants to deal with me, I know its true. I`m too difficult. Hmm... Monica wasn`t here today and I had some rather important information to relay to her. Sammi hasn`t e-mailed me in a while... I really want to see her... I haven`t in about 5 months. My god, that long?! -Sigh- That sucks. Gee... I need to see her soon. Maybe next Saturday... But whadda you care, right? Hey! Whadda you care about ANY of this?? Why are you reading it?? And if you`re not reading it.. why am I talking to myself??...More importantly... WHO ARE YOU?! Oh wait!! What the hell... WHO AM I??! Scary part is... I don`t even know... so who does??? NO ONE no one at all. Oh I have a question... why do people have to be so mean? Why do I have to be so mean? I know its not good and I HATE to be mean but... WHY do I do it then? But.. you don`t care.. oh but if you aren`t reading it... and I`m talking to myself... I do care. This whole theory is getting confusing so I`ll stop. I want to have a good ole fashioned adventura... like the ones I used to have. Like the ones... that were crazy... and... hilarious. We don`t have those anymore. Its a shame. That`s all I miss... of the past...

You musn`t give you heart to a wild thing, the more you do, the stronger they get until they`re strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree, and then to a higher tree and then to the sky..._{Breakfast at Tiffany`s}

I`ve discovered that this is true. I`m sorry that I am the way I am and I can`t help it.

Oh yeah... and Fish comes to me this morning with some... good news?! Confusing news?! Um.. devistating news?! Heart breaking, mind blowing trouble making news?! Uh.. all of the above?!

It has been confirmed, I am a complete moron. Tonite is homecoming... I know.. it`s stupid. Only... I knew I would have gone if I had friends at Jeff... that`s just the thing. I got asked to homecoming today. Today right?! The day of homecoming... I get asked to go. A nice guy too... a good friend in the making. Well, the guy had been afraid to ask me all week, his friend later tells me, and today after school he asked me if I was going. When I said no, he produces from his pocket two tickets and says to me... "I`d be honoured if you`d come with me. We`d have a great time, I promise." And I.. didn`t know what to say. I totally wasn`t expecting this... and the first thing out of my mouth is... "Well, I don`t know." He looks at me... and he looked so... so... so... well anyway, he says "Come on Sara, we`ll dance and drink punch... it`ll be grand." And I... get butterflies in my stomach... and confusion comes over me... I hear myself say.. "I can`t." And right as I said it I knew it was a mistake. We would have danced and drank punch and it would have been grand... He tried asking me later too. I was in the theatre room and he poked his head in, pouting with the two tickets between his thumb and forefinger. All I could do was hang my head. Poor David. If I could go back in time I`d say, "Yes, David. Let`s go have a great time." He`s such a good friend. Ah, poor me.

Today was rather... an "I dunno kind of day", as Fred puts it. Yeah. That was exactly it. I swear, at school I probably stay quiet for 6 hours and 30 minutes of the day. I have nothing to relate to whatsoever. Today was the judging of our school spirit door decorating contests and..

My sister just retorted that Hands Down is a really annoying song and she hates it... well, she must die now. xP

The day draws to an end with a suprising conclusion... not suprising for me. But, yes. And that`s all about that.

I had a really strange dream last nite about a forest fire... a huge tree had caught on fire and was wafting smoke and fireballs in all directions. I also had some dream about going to... "Roger Park" whatever and wherever the hell that is, with... someone. This was a very confusing dream... but I think I liked it. It was new and... I... know that I have some level of feelings for this person... but this dream... makes me think that subconsciously I have more feelings than I imagined. It was nice, that`s all I`ll say.

Randomized:

Oh no, I never meant to do you harm..._{Coldplay, Trouble}

Two can be as bad as one...._{Aimee Mann, One}

Long ago... and oh so far away...._{The Carpenters, Superstar}

You make me feel so brand new..._{Al Green, Let's Stay Together}

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?_{The Beatles, Elenor Rigby}

There is love... there is love... _{Peter, Paul and Mary, The Wedding Song}

I am the harm that you inflict... _{Alanis Morisette, I See You}

You see the colours in me..._{No Doubt, Underneath It All}

Can you make it shallow so I can feel the rain?_{Dave Matthews, Gravedigger}

And all I ever wanted was romance..._{Cave Catt Sammy, Second Hand Lover}

And.. I have no more songs for you because Hands Down came on and I put it on repeat! Count: 28. Span: 7 days. I like it a lot. -Yawns- Well, its late.. so I`ll post on the `morrow.

Oh I really do like this song. Its so lovely. Dashboard Confessional`s Hands Down. Mmm.. I love the part, "And you kissed me like you meant it... and I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it...." Its a really cool song and I like Dashboard Confessional... so THERE! "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won`t you kill me, so I`ll die happy? My heart is yours to fill or burst!" I had it in my head all day... "So I jumped it, and let you in... and you stood at the door with your hands on my waist..." -Contented sigh- Its great.

A few rather odd things are going on. My best friend`s not writing back to me... and it`s makin` me sad. She`s never online... and neither is Monica. Hmm... I wish Monica were online right now... or at least SOMETIMES. What`s your problem Monica?? Huh huh?!

Funny how you plan things to work out just so. In your mind and in your heart you see it come to be and then... when all seems like its going to work out... everything distorts, blurs and... changes. Your hopes and dreams can no longer be the same, because they ARE no longer the same. And yet... you wish they were.

I`m... crushed. Just am. -Shrugs- Its rather... sad. Mmhm. Self pity. I`m listening to Coldplay as loud as I can... to find serenity. Its working a little. I can feel the drums pounding in me. Even though its so loud... I could fall asleep right here... I`d wish it all away, if I had the courage. -Sigh-

Hey!! I`m here in the computer lab... we were trying to enter interim scores but... the computer has no test scheduled for us to take... -Shrug- I`m just here... I checked if Sarah, Hector or Space to Breathe have any new posts.. which they don`t... what`s the deal guys?? Post!!! xP I`m bored... I`m glad that I at leat get to be here... on a computer.. even if it IS a PC. Yuck.. oh well.. see you later... or maybe not if I don`t know you... xP

-Sigh- I WON`T let ANYTHING get me down...

I had a good day! Genuinely good! It was filled with laughter and hugging, handshakes and gummi worms! It was wicked awesome. People were ultra nice to me today and I found myself being friendly... -gasp-. Yep. T`was a good day, the first good day I`ve had at school. And... maybe I should log out of AIM so nothing bad happens... oh well... I`m on a cloud now and nothing can bring me down... I got into a fight with my geography teacher today... which was really cool. Boy did I tell her. -Laughs-. No really... it was pretty fun... and then she finally listened to me... and at the end of class she gave us all Toosie Roll Pops and marshmellows... -Shrug- She`s REALLY stupid... Oh but!! I didn`t start at the beginning of the day... ORCHESTRA. Orchestra was good. I got there and we played some really nice songs... and I was "corrupted" by Shawn. Er... I really don`t know what exactly this means now but... he saved me from being corrupted by Albert... which is REALLY good. Then second period Gabby and Kendra were being really nice to me... offering me gummi worms and laughing with me like I was a good friend of theirs. It was cool. n_n Third period I day dreamed... about nothing in particular... but all good things.... Lunch was horrible but oh well... and fourth period wasn`t special at all... give or take the "belly button conversation" and the "identify that strange substance situation." -Laughs- And then fifth period I got a really good grade on a test... and answered everything I was asked correctly. Geography was cool, everyone in there thinks I`m a lunatic except Nikki, Cecilia and Max... because they`re smart. Then in theatre Sheldon and I did an improvization... it was.. fun and... rather asaulting but... fun. And.. then I was gym equipment. Or rather.. I don`t know what the hell I was... a toy I guess... like a doll or something. I was thrown around and benchpressed... it was really odd.... and I didn`t get to finish! Mebbe tomorrow! Night!

Damn!!! Crap.. what a waste of time!!! As I was saying before I stupidly erased it all for the billionth time!!!... As you can tell from this morning`s entry, I wasn`t the happiest camper as I skipped off to school today. Infact, I didn`t skip at all... it was more of a trudge... the slow and painful trudge of defeat. Anyhow, the world was looking pretty grey, and I was feeling pretty... well...pretty... I guess the word is... sad. Self pity, dear. All through the day, I was remorseful... which is so completely stupid...but the fact is, I was. The whole day was just.. okay over all, saved by 7th period Theatre Arts. Monica, Falisha and I enacted an improvization in which Falisha was about to reveal to her mother Monica that she was a lesbian. I was Monica`s "boyfriend" who was inconveniently in the room at the time.... The whole thing was a complete fiasco and.. pretty hilarious. It was nice. So then... theatre was over and Monica Fred and I put flowers in eachother`s hair and came to Say Sí, where we took a coastal run with a long detour on the way back. I felt like taking a walk and Fred and Monica decided that`d be a nice idea. And it was a nice idea. It was beautiful out... and there was so much wild life about... butterflies and caterpillers and cats and hundreds of squirrels. And then we came to a bridge above the river and sat there for awhile... both talking and being silent.... and the water was still... yet there was a breeze... and there were mirrored images of the clouds... and buildings.... and there were ducks! Ah.. it was lovely. So, Saturday we`re going to have a picnic there, and you`re invited! Yes you! You! Reading my blog! The more the merrier.. actually, thats only so in certain cases... and this probably isn`t one of them... but oh well! This made my day. Oh it WAS horrible!! And maybe it is now... maybe so... yeah it sorta is... like a little itch that I can`t stop... and its driving me... driving me to the brink of insanity!!!!! I`ll be totally okay in a couple of days, my Mom has advised me to call old friends and stuff.. so I stop feeling this empty space inside of me... and I think she`s right. I`d call right now if I wasn`t at Say Sí.. but I am so I can`t. Yep thats how the ball bounces... against the wall.. into the street them BAM! Bye bye ball.. -Waves to nothing in particular- I`ve smarted up ad discovered, "Copying and pasting!!!" no.. I knew about it but now.... every few sentences I`m coping everything I just typed.. so that if I mess up and delete it all.. it`ll be saved to some extent!! n.n Anywho! I dunno why but... I have a small burst of glee. -Shrug- Its odd. I like... pushed my sadness aside. I`ll rephrase that.. its pretty cool and odd. In that group over there.. -points to Mark, Kris and Aaron- their laughs sound pretty fake.... Hmm... I don`t know why.... Laughter. Laughter is wonderful. REAL laughther... wonderful to hear and to make. When you can throw your head back.. and produce a sound thats good for the soul and heart... yeah.... Great times. When you laugh like yourself... or AT yourself... or both.... thats great... -Shrugs- I dunno what I`m talking about but.. I`m gonna go to a picnic on Saturday and maybe potentially somewhere else... so the week, until then, is rather saved in advance, in a way.... No matter what I hear, thank goodness I won`t have to see it, I`ll push it away, far away, and just think about happier times... or the river veiw from the bridge... or a nice squirrel...

When you dig my grave, could you make it shallow so that I can feel the rain? -Sigh- I broke down. I don`t know why... last nite I cried myself to sleep.

-Crawls into herself and dies-

I participated in a "quiet game" today, coming in first... -shrug- That was the highlight of my day. I won two dollars. xP Yeah it was pretty stupid... Mmhm. And.. I told my geography teacher off today. But.. it seems that she`s too stupid to recongnize that I did infact tell her off, which is actually to my benefit. Yep. In other news, Mars is fairly close to the Earth and I realized the other day that I saw strange balls of light floating down from somewhere in the sky. It was pretty weird... so I followed these lights.. and discovered a mini civilization... of strange small people originating from... -sigh- this is so stupid. Yeah whatever... xP

Last nite was so lovely and its hard to believe that it actually happened after tonite was so horrible. -Sigh- First of all my parents didn`t let me go to rivercenter, because I went out last nite... and whatever. So I had to stay home. With them.. and my sisters. Lovely. How lovely. Firstly, my sisters are highly abusive toward me... mentally and physically... and second I have to hear my parents.. and no one... NO ONE is on AIM... oh! Hector... Hector`s on! Okay.. I`m saved... I can forget about things for awhile...

Tonite the world is painted with lovely hues, sleep well all... n_n

_{Once more!!! I did it again!!! What do I press to make it do that?! Who knows... -Shrug- I dunno. Anyway, before I stupidly deleted everything I just typed, I was saying that some people sometimes tell you that they know how you`re feeling... but how can they? Everyone is different.. I know you hear it a lot but.. we all respond diffrently to situations and problems, whether its mentally, physically or emotionally.... We just do. No one really knows how I`m feeling.. and I don`t really know how anyone else is feeling.... We`re just... just... just... different. There is no other word for it... I feel small today... and overlooked... {Note the text size}}

I did it again! Arg! Typed the whole day and then... it went away. -Shrugs- I have no idea what I press to make it do that.Well.. today. Today was going well. Going well until second period. I was oddly happy today and then... -sigh- I was called to the counseler`s office. Yeah. I thought mebbe for a schedule change or... I dunno but it wasn`t. It was.. worse. Apparantly my parents... called her. They`re worried about me and "so is she". Yeah. So I got interrogated in the kind of.. I`m-not-interrogating-you-lets-talk-as-if-we-were-friends ways. It was really annoying. She basically told me that my parents were worried that I was depressed or doing drugs. I really would have liked THEM to ask me instead of her... And it made me angry. It made me angry because I didn`t want to talk to her or about why I`m feeling the ways I`m feeling. She pulled things out of me and I hated it. She got me to tell her I wasn`t sleeping all the time at night. She pretended she knew me. It made me angry and I hated it. I hated it so much. It flawed my day. -Sigh-