Changes in my life.

Blog under reconstruction--please pardon any clashing colours and/or dust.

<3 Mgmt. {Haha}

The Kiss- Gustav Klimt

True love?

This song makes me feel like flying, or crying a lot, or running away to find who I am, and find my real life and loves... but somehow I'll always be home all the same. Here I will be until life comes and gets me. I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants... reading the critics and comics alone. And I really do wish you were here next to me cause I'm going to see James Dean... I need snow and solitude and understanding and nights that explode like firecrackers.

Trying to be adults...

So, goodbye
Please stay with your own kind
And I’ll stay with mine

There’s something against us
It’s not time
It’s not time
So, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I know I need hardly say
How much I love your casual way
Oh, but please put your tongue away
A little higher and we’re well away
The dark nights are drawing in
And your humour is as black as them
I look at yours, you laugh at mine
And love is just a miserable lie
You have destroyed my flower-like life
Not once - twice
You have corrupt my innocent mind
Not once - twice
I recognise that mystical air
It means : I’d like to see your underwear
I know the wind-swept mystical air
It means : I’d like to see your underwear
What do we get for our trouble and pain ?
Just a rented room in whalley range
What do we get for our trouble and pain ?
...whalley range !
Into the depths of the criminal world
I followed her ...

I need advice, I need advice
I need advice, I need advice
Nobody ever looks at me twice
Nobody ever looks at me twice


I’m just a country-mile behind
The whole world
Oh oh, oh ...

Slipping Up

I read my writing more than anybody. I am intrigued by the likeness, by the uniformity in every peice. The sadness, dispare, that's all it is. I feel like crying all the time. I keep having dreams and dreams and dreams... and I look in my writing and it's there--the smallness, the general lacking. Nobody understands the metaphor behind my work, and if they do maybe they are truely attached to me. Maybe we breathed together once, but we stopped inhaling and now nobody wants to read me anymore but me.
I've said it five times, in five masculine contexts, I've meant it? I've meant it truely, passionatley once, when I never said it, the one who never knew was the one. It was never said, but it was there. Now, I think it drives me insane. I want to run away to New York because of it--it is here but it may as well be there, at least I hope it would be. I'd like to imagine I didn't screw it up, but it's eating me all the same.

Just a Child

Transfigured, magnificent ever-changing boy child. You are my love one day, and then bones and skin twist and you are my fear... you become my despair. Guilded light and sometimes you just want to go back back when you weren't so fucked up and when you were pure and before salt water ran through your veins. Sometimes you just want to run away and find the ones you lost, because all you need is a friend and not a lover, but everyone has abandoned you because you pushed them away. You are throwing everyone away and you cry late at night so no one will hear... and no one does hear. No one knows the deep cuts in your body you inflict. They are there for no reason.You have so much to begin with--and you light yourself on fire, you light your love on fire.

Dead or Alive.

I don't know what to say. Too much to do, etc... I don't feel like doing anything. Just burying myself in sleep. It doesn't even feel like Christmas time.

Awake.

Remember when we had that argument about the litle people in Stings music box?

Remember when we three were screaming really loud and then there were only two voices? We switched on the light and Lemman had disappeared, but he was blending in with the wall and jumped out and scared us?? =)

Remember the Say Si lock-in and the 3AM movie shoot and how we all fell asleep in the sound room together, after Chris and I led the way and Brian yelled "Sex in the Sound Room!?"

Do you remember quiet Nick and his great stories, they were supposed to be scary but everyone just laughed?

Do you remember when Fred and Matt tried to make coffee and got basically coffee grounds and water out of it, but we drank it anyway?

Do you remember when Matt fell asleep in the Sound Room wrapped in that plastic tent cover?

Do you remember the Quote of the Day?

Do you remember skipping school to go to Denny's cause you really just wanted some pancakes?

Do you remember Blue star French fries?

Do you remember dancing with Brian provocatively?

Do you remember crawling under the Band Hall to explore the abyss of forgotten Band Uniforms?

Do you remember Mr. Merry scaring the living day lights out of everyone?

Do you remember "Yesterday" being played in the Main hall? =(

<3

I guess it would be better to know, right?

Sometimes people turn things so black and white that they forget the details. Details. Things you make note of in your head, things you make note of to remember. Some things force themselves on you. Like--I had on that shirt then, and those striped socks and I had bought the lemon shoes he commented on--and he said they were the brightest things that night. Details. Curly hair and brown skin, the Salvation army. He played every instrument you could ever want to play, and the last time I saw him in person he followed me to the thrift store and played "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" loudly on an old antique piano until I found him there. I pretended I didn't see him, and he was wearing a Sound of Music T-shirt and had a walking stick with him. He knew that I saw him and followed me to a great big brown velvet couch. Black mesh Jansport backpack. We said about ten words to eachother back and forth, mostly about some 50's shoes I found. He bought them for me and then had to catch a bus. Before then, he could never surprise me because of the chain he wore, because he jingled everywhere he went. It had three keys on it, and a drum set key. Details. How he used to catch me in his arms like I was his sister or love, and how he used to have this great big straight white smile but he told me he never had braces. We both played the cello. He was two inches taller than me, and we drank out of the same cups and practically shared a great big water bottle one summer. He used orange tooth paste and he'd tell me jokes and secrets and we'd gossip because we had the same sense of humor. We drew in each other's sketch books, sacred hearts and mad men with glass eyes, screaming at the sky with their heads on fire, pastel pink and blue. He wore black to the beach, and so did I. We liked to play games no one else did. We told each other we liked how it felt when too much water got in your stomach, or in your lungs, whichever. It felt dangerous and we swam out in the ocean farther than either of us could stand. He was two inches taller than I. He wore my girly sunglasses and he gave me his favorite baseball cap. We went to pick up pizzas and he taught me how to play darts. I showed him the Smiths. There was Frame by Frame. Pink Floyd. A Perfect Circle. There was how we were friends, best friends and then one night, how we were more than that. Then, how it was over and how we never talk even though we were best friends.... How the last time we talked was the opening ceremony of the Olympics. 21 minutes. You think of all the things you could have said after the fact. 691,996 minutes later. There's more details, about everyone--but it's just sad.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole...

Your love is gonna drown...

Marching bands of Manhattan...

I am in Bronxville, NY! Yeah--home of SLC (Sarah Lawrence College.) Hace mucho frio. Saw a Broadway play today as well as SLC, and eh, it was okay. It's called Doubt--and it won the Pulitzer prize. Why it won, my father and I will never know. I'm so tired... and in a way upset--worries, you know. Okay, gonna crash. =(

<3 Sara