Day two, not as great as Day one, but okay. Day three looking to be a bummer, and days 4 and 5 as well. I`ve been comtemplative recently, which is not good, and I need to stop. I also need to stop writing those letters and putting them all over the school. It`s getting old really fast. I wanted to go to the library today, but it was closed. So I went and wrote a random letter and placed it in the corner of the front of the school. It was still there after school. I was debating on giving it away, almost did, but no. So it's probably still there, because that corner is dusty and abandoned now. I also want to do some yoga. And write a book, and film my one minute movie tonite. I want to do something wondeful, but that`s impossible. "I want to fly, never come down, and live my life, and have friends around." Yes. I need... a friend back.

"Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one."

I say you kids kill me off so that I stop raining on your parade.

As I sit here I`m just making myself feel worse, don`t you hate that? You know I was thinking and I may change schools next year. Or... hmm. Yeah I really don`t know right now. I`m just sick of everything right now. This year has been a hard year on me. Check my other entries. They`re black, blue, horrible. I`ve had my share of depression, now I just want it to be happy.

Music is beautiful. I don`t what to do. I`m emotionally vacant. This entry is stupid and pointless. I am stupid and pointless.

Today was a pretty happy day today, except mystery boy's name is Anthony and he has a girlfriend. What`s more is that this girl is one Monica and I dislike, and it's rare that we dislike anyone. She's a slut. >_< I won`t say who she is... but yeah. Today I wrote lots of letters in my spare time and planted them all over the school for people to find. The one that particularly stood out was one I put in the palm tree in the courtyard. It was dear to me, and I hope whoever found it liked it. It's interesting isn`t it? I felt like I was sharing myself and the inner workings of my mind and soul. You kids are great. Smell ya later. Oh and... who wants to go to Eternal Sunshine on Saturday?

Sara's not in at the moment, she`s readjusting her life and doing a fine job of it, is she not? However it has been found that she cannot make pancakes, though spaghetti is a different story. Her upcoming ambitions include brightening people's lives, being as happy as she can be, finding a new friend and getting life to be normal again. Yesterday was a sad day but today was a happy one, though her mystery boy was missing in action. Tomorrow may be a different story, and for sure she will tell him hello and ask him his name. She's very happy to have met you, and found a friend in you, and she's sad if you regret knowing her. Recently she's seen that so many people are beautiful in their own ways, and so many people are ugly and hateful. She forgives the ones who have wronged her or broken her heart and she knows that it's only the course of life that is taking place. She wants life to be happy for everyone, and she appreciates those that want life to be happy for her as well. Sara knows that those people are the ones that really love her, and they have her eternal love because they have touched her. Sara especially wants you to know that life is beautiful and rough times are hard, but necessary. Please, leave her a message here. It would make her oh so happy. n_n BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Anywho, about the man at blue star! Fred and I went to go get some fries, and we were fumbling with money and deciding who was gonna pay what... so we ordered and this man down the bar yells at us about how he's got the tab and a buncha mumbling... So I`m like... "What?!" Cause I don`t understand. And Fred's like, "Cool man, thanks." I was still huh? So the man yells louder that he's been having a good day, and our fries were on his tab along with an extra order he got for us, he told the bar tender so. Neato. So Fred and I go into possibilities of why he was so cheery and cool, and I`ve decided that he realized life was wonderful today, and he wanted to share something with someone in some small way. In a few minutes our fries are ready and I go up to shake the man`s hand but he says no need to thank me... but grabs my hand anyway. Then he goes into this story about how his wife and him never had enough money to buy enough food to satisfy them and he just thought he'd do this for us cause he was having a great day and we best have a great day. It was so cool, like movie-like. Heh. Well, I met some boy today. I`m not sure who he is... or anything. He told me he had no name. I`ll call him Pepé El Malo, cause that`s super cool... but anyway MArk says that I erased him from my mind! Isn`t that freaky? I COULD HAVE! n_n Ha. But whatever, he was just some nice boy and I`ll prolly never see him again. I also have to work on making Josh stop "excessively flirting with me." Now that I`m single he says, "There's no stopping nothing!" -_- Yeah, I wish he would stop.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about our Blue Star Adventura. Oh... I`m not in the mood. Maybe later.

Pretending to be happy is hard work. -_- And it makes you feel worse.

Well, I went to go see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again today. I must say it still stands out to me. Charlie Kaufman succeeds in making an extremely different and honest perspective on human relationship. I can`t imagine writing something so complex. Visually this movie was amazing as well. The editing was clever and inviting... I`m just in awe of this movie right now! I beg you all to rush out to the theatres and see it. n_n

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.

I guess that all you got is all you're gonna get,
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you got is all you're gonna get,
so much for, so much more

Do what you must if that's what you wish,
I can't be a pardon to this
you have a sense that you were born with
You'll find a way to make things right.

"Move on move on move on... Stay awake, just move on. ...Don`t be afraid, let your feelings show, wear your heart on your sleeve and let yourself glow..." I guess it wasn`t meant to be. I`m slowly unwraveling myself, it'll just take time. And then I`ll be good as new, because no one really needs a man. They`re like added bonuses I guess, but think about it, it's pretty fun without `em. And you don`t need ones who hurt you that`s for sure. -Sigh- I`ll be okay eventually.

Am I "just some girl"? Just a girl that has walked into your life, and hasn`t been important enough to make any impact on you? Because, all of you have made a huge huge impact on me... and change is... difficult. And I thank you because some of you want to help me, but it's been said that you have to fix your own problems accordingly. I want to do that, but I need cooperation, and some time. Bear with me now. Thanks.

I feel unanswered, undecided and broken down. Incomplete I guess. Unable to move. I don`t know why, but I`ll wait, just wait for awhile. It feels like I`m sending this out into a void, and no one's listening. I guess that`s what hurts the most.

I have a new favorite movie. Actually, I think I just now have a favorite movie, because I`ve never had one before. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is beguilling and brilliant and emotional and beautiful. It was absolutely fantastic. Absolutely. I have to see it again the in next few days or I`ll evaporate. Second chances, starting from the beginning again. Does it really work? -Sigh-

Random Songs of the Day:
Download `em up, straight away from my itunes library. Random as life.

1. Go Where You Wanna Go- The Mammas and the Papas.
2. Hand in my Pocket- Alanis Morissette
3. Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls
4. Glycerine- Bush
5. What Went Wrong-Saves the Day
6.As Time Goes By-Frank Sinatra
7.Danke Shoen-Wayne Newton

I guess I`ll finish later, I must be off to try and forget again. I wish I would forget to remember.

I think I`m being crazy and irrational. -_-

Sad things just make me laugh and happy things make my cry... it's so confused. Tabitha and I talked about hypocracy this morning. I`m trying not to be hurt, because I`m not in the wrong and no one should tell me I am. Might have a sleepover tonite, and my Mom's going to take me to buy me stuff. All in attempt to cheer me I guess.

Long ago, and, oh, so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show.
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear,but you're not really here.
It's just the radio.

Don't you remember you told me you love me baby?
You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby.
I love you, I really do.

Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.

Um... hmm.

I was so tired yesterday I didn`t get to write about my super long day. It all starts in the morning, I was feeling hurt– and Tabitha and I were supposed to skip school and lay in the park all day. No one really wanted to go, and Thom wasn`t there yet, but Monica was and I asked her if she wanted to come with us. She agreed and put her stuff in her locker then we took off in the general direction of Woodlawn Lake. We talked and laughed along the way and it felt dream-like for me because I would say something or respond to Monica and Tabitha and then float off to being hurt. We were a block away from the park when we decided we liked Brakenridge park better. Why this came up, I do not know, but soon, we were looking in our purses and bags for bus money. We had a dollar between us three and decided to head to Monica's house for some more money. We went in a huge circle and upon arrival, hid from some weird neighbors doing some odd stuff in the front lawn, and then Mnica discovered her brother was home, so that plan was ruined. Off to my house now! More walking still... I wonder how far we walked. Quite a bit. But anyway we got to my house, and luckily the bathroom window was open. If not we wouldn`t have been able to get in, and our adventure would not have fully taken off. When I got into the house I opened the door for Tabitha and Monica and we got some money, Tabitha and I left our heavy stuff in my closet and I got Monica a Claritin and scarve for her allergies. We headed for the bus stop across the street and I called the Transit for the schedule. Lucky for us it was coming in ten minutes. We sat in the grass under a tree in Lee's Creek Park, then the bus came. It was my first bus ride ever! I told everyone today but no one was excited for me except Tabitha, cause she's so cool like that. n_n Oddly enough we got in at the end of the route, so we went in a big circle again and then finally we were on our way to downtown. -Insert corky music here- So, we got off the bus and walked into a gallery that was really neat, layered paintings and blown glass vases... ah yes. Then we went to go get... ICE CREAM! Monica showed us this place called Mr. Icecream and we got ice cream and sat by the river. It was lovely. Hey hey! How did we get to the river walk? Hmm. Interesting. Ha. Well, then we went to the mall. I got some Starbucks because it's comfort to me, all I`ve been eating are comfort foods. It`s stupid but, lately I won`t eat if it's not something I really really like. Tabitha called her Mom in the Starbucks, to let her know what we were up to, and then we went to the magic shop, and to a shop with incense and lanterns and magnets dumping on boys. We sat infront of Sam Goody and then followed a yoth group, they were leaving so we stopped following them. We went to Brookstone where we sat in masauge chairs for hours... it was great. They had this really high tech one that does a scan analysis of your back. We also discovered that you can`t get a Tempra-pedic pillow for less than 85 dollars. Insane or what? Yup, insane. Life is hard and I couldn`t clear my mind. We went into a baby store. The clothes were so adorable, and the little girl purses were awesome. Were gonna get some. :D We were on our way to KB toys when hunger stuck us, and we got a Pesto and Tomto pizza and split it while listening to a pan flute player play love songs. Stupid love. Anyway, we were done there and went to the bookstore. We found a great book on finding the perfect man, and Tabitha read it aloud. It was empowering in a way. I read The Lorax, "Oh those trees, those trees! Those Truffula trees!" There was a really cute and funny book on bunny suicides, it was great. Then there was this book with all these days, like "Body hair day" and "Today, throw away somethnig you like." We're supposed to get it and follow it in a week or two. By then school was almost out, but we still wanted to go to KB Toys, and we did. tabitha found this awesome echo machine and then we found the rest, along with voice changers. We stood there talking to eachother on them for awhile, probably annoying everyone in the store. n.n It was really fun. After that we decided to make our way to Say Si, and we stopped in the Marriot to get change for the trolley. Monica and Tabitha stole apples, those crazy kids, and I got myself some "Sugar In The Raw," another favorite of mine. Then, we went to... ride the trolley! The trolley is great. At one of the stops some little girls got on, they were covered from head to toe in goodness knows what. Pizza, one little girl said. Say Si was really close after that and we got off, and Tabitha said "Goodbye little girls," then I said, "We love you, little girls!" It was odd, but anyway we got off and when we did, they yelled at us goodbye and that they loved us. Life is funny. We were at Say Si! And Tabitha kept consulting the magic 8-Ball for all things and it was great, cause it didn`t lie. I got really hyper in attempt to make mself happy, and it worked for awhile. We then arranged to see a movie, but sadly Tabitha couldn`t go. u_u We say Mystic River. Sean Penn is amazing. Amazing. My mind wandered a bit through the movie though. This reminded me of something, or that reminded me of something or how brendon`s love for Katie seemed so genuine. Stupid things. Eventually I concentrated, and it was a great movie. After that we went to Wendy's. Then to Walmart, in my attempt to make the nite last. I got my favorite junk foods so perhaps I`d eat this weekend. And I wanted a movie but no, there were memories everywhere. Music had the same effect and it seems this burning hole in me will never go away. I wanted Will and Grace Season One on DVD. I really wanted it last nite and I don`t know why. I called my mother and she told me she wouldn`t let me spend my money on that. She doesn`t understand. I don`t really think anyone does. I just need to feel better. Nothing's working. We left Walmart. My mother picked Monica and I up and we took her home. When I got home I got online. It hurt. I was typing in this blog, when my mom came in and tapped me on the head and said angrily to get off. It was like a turning point, I thought I was safe from them, but sometimes tears just find you. I went to bed. it hurt. I listened to music, it hurt. Will and Grace was going to be on. It was 12:30. I wasn`t allowed to watch it. Finally I slept a dreamless sleep then woke up early and read. Here I am, and that`s all I am it feels like, just here, sore from yesterday, sore in my heart, and no emotion otherwise.

I'm looking through you, where did you go
I thought I knew you, what did I know
You don't look different, but you have changed
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Your lips are moving, I cannot hear
Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear
You don't sound differnt, I've learned the game.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

You're thinking of me, the same old way
You were above me, but not today
The only difference is you're down there
I'm looking through you, any other way

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

I'm looking through you, where did you go
I thought I knew you, what did I know
You don't look different, but you have changed
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Thank you Sarah, for the song. -Love-

I`m shattered.

I was in a complete daze today. Thoroughly just tired of it all, yeah pretty much. I went psycho in 6th period and after school. 6th I cussed J.D out because he was bothering me. He was talking super loud and making songs about sex organs like he usually does for attention, and I asked him to "Please be quiet," and he gives me some crap about how he takes my crap and how he really doesn`t want to listen to me gripe about boys. And how I was annoying and blah blah blah... so I cussed him out and he shut up real quick because cussing people out is so not me. UGH! I HATE HIM! And I`m dead serious on this too. He's so two faced and mean to me for no damn reason. But whatever, everyone loves him except for smart people who see his two faced-ness and know people who are two faced are horrible to be around. Then Fred Tabitha and I were laying under our tree and I exploded and kicked and punched the ground, cause I`m absoloutely crazy. -Sigh- I`m tired and weary... so ta-ta.

Man these songs just get all emotions going. Bjork-All is Full of Love, Coldplay-The Scientist. Yes. Love is hard guys. But in the end it is good and patient. If two people really care about eachother, they have to understand and accept things no matter how hard it may be. I feel really hopeful. And happy for the first time this weekend. Happy tears! Hope is a good thing. I need scones.

I have B12 deficiency which results in anemia, insomnia, and physical and mental ailments, including minor depression. I`ve so far suffered minimum symptoms. B12 deficiency results in cases of sudden meat deprivation. Luckily, Vitamin B12 is found at your local drugstore so hopefully I should be feeling better within a few days. I wonder if those vitamins help with emotional turmoil.-Wink wink- No, I really am okay. So much better than I was this morning. So much more determined to right my world again. Very determined. I`m tired of being proud and obstinate and ready to be open and helpful and show what I`m actually feeling to people. Imagine that! I`m tired of being afraid what people think about my feelings... however strong they may be.

You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you

All is full of love
You just aint receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love...

I`m tired of hurting.

Last nite had to be the worst nite of my life. Consequently, this morning I`m still pretty shaken up. I don`t feel like blogging.

I kinda wanna go home, but I`m at Say Si. -Shrug- Well, Earth Day at Woodlawn lake was a nice little event. It`s rather hot outside though, kids. Earlier I was thinking about wandering around the neighborhood spreading flower seed everywhere. Oh! Idea:

Flowers trailing out of the ground, rain. Black and white. Solitary colour. About... not seeing the beauty you weave.

I don`t know what we're watching here at Say Si, but it's sad... Oh. It`s 21 grams, theoretically the weight of the soul says Brian. I had no idea that when you die you lose 21 grams of body weight. He says it`s unexplicable. But isn`t it INexplicable? I don`t really care to bring this to his attention, for fear of my life. Heh. I feel kinda, just here. I forgot my journal and I want my camera... It`s 3:30. Late afternoon... and I think I`m going to go read some of my brochures. Oh and, hmm. I just wanna say, to you guys I haven`t seen in awhile, please let me know how you're doing. Comment or, email or call me please. -Kick-

I guess, call me about earth day... -Shrug-

Life is really weird. Who knows, tomorrow may be different. I`ve been listening to a lot of dream-like songs and songs about sleeping... and thinking a lot. You can`t dream all the time though... because things change right before you. It`s pretty twisted. You see it all happening, and you stare it right in the face, right in the face and you can do nothing about it. Isn`t it WEIRD? Change is going to happen no matter what you do, change is enevitable, essential almost. Well today, was interesting. Sarah`s book kept me alive today, after I was done readng it I felt restored almost. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Books do that to me, it's a bit odd... But you should read that one there. It`s a really really good read... Well, I didn`t get to finish this and I have a lot to spin off on, so that really sucks. But, it's not like anyone wanted to hear me ranting anyway.. XP

Woah, hold the phone. o_O Okay now I feel stupid. -Kicks self-

I don`t know what to do. I can`t believe... I`ve been so stupid to put everything in jeopardy. I couldn`t face the world this morning, I couldn`t face anything last nite. I can`t imagine anything changing. I really really really don`t want it to. There's a pang in my heart begging me to do something about it, and I just don`t know what to do. I don`t know how to fix anything. I don`t want to think, I want us to solve this problem. We can`t solve anything without eachother. I want to work things out... I can`t imagine everything going back to how it was before Christmas. Nothing was good, nothing was right. It can`t see how that can be an option. I`m not going to let it be an option... I`m going absolutely out of my mind. I should have gone to school despite of my sickness. I`ve made myself sick, somehow I know I have... I`m so... grieved I`m so tired, and so sick. My heart hurts and I`m sick. I can`t talk about this anymore... but I have to. There's no one anywhere... oh why did I stay home?

OKAY! Here's my day... I get to school. I forgot my phone... -Gasp!- And I needed it today too, several times... So I met up with Fred and Tabitha on the stairs... and then Aldo came... and Fred and him did some weird spin thing... o_O Yeah. And then! We went to class... and I played my cello and it sounded beautiful! Like it wasn`t even me... and then that class was over and I met up with Aldo in the main hall. I was hyper, but he wasn`t and so my hyper level deminished... and then he got mad at me and I forget why... and I was sad but he turned away... So I went to 2nd, and that was blah, substitute, then to 3rd period, where I`m all caught up in so it was okay. The I get to lunch and Aldo left or something... I don`t really know. So I was disappointed... and then pensive, and I braided Fred's hair and Thom tried to console me, and get me to tell him what was wrong. So then 4th period came, and I wrote out a long letter of how I was feeling and then ripped it to shreds in 5th. It felt good, like I was letting something go. 5th came around, a test. Normally I fail those, but I rfelt really confident about this one, so I at least passed it I think. And then I got pensive again... and it was off to sixth, and I walked in there alone, as usual, and didn`t even say hello to Ruby or Dezi. I`m not sure why. Well, Ruby turns around and gives me this cheesy pick up line. It was funny cause she never does that, and then I felt better. We all finished our work in like 10 minutes, and then began gabbing like the bunch of girls that we are, and kept getting in trouble. Then, the stupid teacher comments that I get ruder everyday it seems. I curtly remark, "Oh yes, its true. Horrible isn`t it?" Then I turned and asked Ruby the time. We`d only been in the class for like 15 minutes. So I tell her, that we should walk out. Okay, she says. And so our teachers back is turned and we want Dezi to join us, and then all of a sudden I get this vision of my Mom beyond angry at me. So I tell Ruby no, but let's go after this class. So Dezi and Ruby agree, and as soon as the bell rings, we're out of that stupid school.... just walking in any given direction. Suddenly Ruby remembers Max wasn`t in school today. He lives like 2 blocks away... so we walk over there, and knock and knock... no answer. Ruby tries the door knob, and its open, but we feel weird about letting ourselves in, so she opens it a bit and yells... "MAAAAX!". Nothing. So Dezi gets this idea to throw stones at his window, and we do. We head to the backyard to where Dez says his room is, and I go to the front of the house and collect more stones. I`m gathering them, and he tackles me from behind. He scared me so bad! But then I see its him and we call Dez and Ruby and he wisks us inside, like we're convicts he's hiding or something. Heh. So we hang around there, drinking cokes and watching Aladdin cause we're all dorks, ya`know. Heh heh heh. Then we've gotta go cause its time for school to end, and we walk to school again, I got to the front and the girls go to the arcade. Well, no one's in the front... so I go find then in the arcade. Dezi was going to buy my pizza but there was no more, and then Ruby introduces me to various cool kids, and O`Bryan hunts me down and asks for my number for my friend Abby. Tabitha was there, and we talked for awhile, and then Ruby took me to meet her sister, who disappeared in 2 seconds flat. So`s then we were walking back to the arcade and I got me a compliment. n___n Heh heh. It's true. Hearing nice things is nice... but anywho, I had to leave to go to the front, where I found O`Bryan again and we sat and talked about various things, it was cool, O`Bryan`s a cool guy, and now he's with my friend Abby. n.n Then I got picked up, went to the grocery store... XP I hate shopping more than anything. So, here I am, off to watch Will and Grace! Ta-ta, cheerio.

-Dance dance dance- Oh who said I lied because I never, I never! And so I drank one, it became four, and when I fell on the floor I drank more! Stop me, oh oh oh, stop me, stop me if you think that you've heard this one before. Nothing's changed I still love you, yeah I still love you! ...Only slightly only slightly less than I used to, my love. -Mad strumming- -Odd transition- ....Sing me to sleep, I`m tired and I want to go to bed... Don`t try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone. Don`t feel bad for me, I want you to know, Deep in the ceel of my heart I will feel so glad to go.... -Tear- Sing me to sleep, I don`t want to wake up on my own anymore.... Don`t feel bad for me.... Deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go... There is another world. There is a better world. Well there must be... there must be. Bye bye... -Electric guitar- I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does! o_o Goodtimes for a change... see the look I`ve had can make a good man turn bad.... I`M OUT! THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTS!

I don`t know what to do, its like I`m paralysed in a situation where I need to move. By staying here its killing me. But no one cares. I can guarantee you, no one gives a damn.

Dark hued letters stenciled,
Every angle, every stroke, a peice of me for you.
That paper melts away, farther away from you than anything will ever be...
And my heart`s remaining shards boar into my existence,
Purple and numb.
I can only wait in silence, in the red hot dampness, dew drops in my dryed-out soul.
If the end is near then I can see it at will, my eyes sharpening all wounded images,
Your body language, your thoughts no longer yeild to me.
I`m broken, my edges sharpened in defense, curled outward...
Every passing moment, you make me slip away from you.
As if you hold me in an hour glass, like hazel sand, I file away bit by bit.
One grey day undiscreetly, you won`t stand me anymore.
When you rub me away without a second thought...
I let my silken dreams evaporate, no longer alive for you.

I`ve decided to do a random list again–with reflections on songs and everything–because I`m bored and haven`t done one in a while... so... here we go!

Grave Digger- Dave Matthews
I used to listen to this song when I was depressed... Hmm.

Let It Be- The Beatles
This reminds me of Tafolla, riding to school with my mother and Liv and listening to oldies.

Fly Me to the Moon- Frank Sinatra
Ah, good times of this winter.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out- The Smiths
This song reminds me of Aldo... cause he smells.

Green Eyes- Coldplay
"I came here with a load, it feels so much lighter now I met you." n_n

Real World- Match Box 20
This reminds me of Pizza Hut, and my dad. Heh.

Let Me Get What I Want- The Smiths

The World Isn`t Fair- Randy Newman

In the Orchard- Tiger Army
Hector sent me this one. -Dance dance-

Having A Blast- Green Day
All of Dookie reminds me of Sammi. I miss her.

Okay that`s it, this is boring me more than when I was originally bored.

A want a kitty. A new, furry, tiny kitty that will play with me and I can squeeze her.... O_O Anyway, its Friday and I`m bored. No school today, which is good... and bad. But, in recent cases, good and bad. I feel better. I realized what was wrong with me, and now I`m carefree and jealous free and just dandy. Yessirs. But, I still wince at stuff. -Wince- We had a tea party last nite, from like 8 to 10:30. There we were, having afternoon tea at nite. Laughing our heads off at nothing. But we're girls so, who cares? Then the girls left and I went to lie down and watch TV. I realized it was Thursday and I could watch adult swim, so I did until my mother came in in a bad mood and turned it off. She went to bed, but I stayed up reading. I keep having urges to read books from my past. perhaps the're like comforts. No matter what happens in the real world, I still have the characters and stories I love. Wednesday nite i spent hours trying to locate, There's a Boy in the Girl's bathroom. Anyone read that? Its lovely. Stargirl is a comfort book also, even though its so sad. And so is Stone Words, which is so sad also. All the Anne Books are lovely. And all the Emily books as well. Children`s books are devine. So are adult books but, ther's just extra imagination in childrens books. Like Roald Dahl for example, he wrote both for adult and child. All of his books are wonderful, but his childrens books have that extra charm because you can be so whimsical and fanciful, and free when writing them because children will be so accepting to these things. I dunno, I`m rambling now. -Drifts off-

Okay. I`m officially angry. My teacher just took away my cotton candy. She had no right. I was eating some before the bell even rang, and then when it did I started putting it away. The class went on the way to the computer lab, and she called me to her. "Bring that cotton candy here. Sara, what is going on with you?" I responed defensively, "Ha. I don`t know. I suppose everything is wrong with me, am I right?" And she was like, "Don`t give me attitude. You`ve been eating in my class lately." Ok, first of all, Monday, that wasn`t me. That was my friend Max, and he offered me a jolly rancher... A JOLLY RANCHER! Pfft. Well I told her that, pretty much exactly. And she replied, "No. I don`t think so. You`re not pinning this on anyone else." Lord! I wanted to strangle her. I wasn`t trying to "pin" anything. I was just trying to get her to see that I`m not constantly eatin in there! She`s crazy! Jeez louise, talk about upsetting me. I was my prize.. u_u GRR! Anyway, my day has been... okay, I guess. I was really, upset this morning again. But, then I felt alright. I don`t know what`s wrong with me. I was walking through the hall today and all of a sudden, I felt invisible. No one was looking at me, or acknowledging my precence, or even moving away from me. It was weird, and then finally, I saw Tabitha, and the dream-like scenario popped. Now I`m okay, except I`m candy-less... and bored... and neglecting my assignment. Ta-ta.

Things I Like About My Life Today

1. I found the book I wanted in the library today.
2. I visited the library twice.
3. Seventh period didn`t suck.
4. I found a neat chinese place that has a variety of vegetarian meals.
5. I haven`t cried today yet.
6. We might have a tea party tomorrow.
7. Say Sí restocked, finally.

-Sigh- Whatever.

I want to talk to somebody who cares like me. Somebody who hasn`t suddenly been messed up for no reason at all. I go through hell everyday but I know everyone else does as well. My horribe day yesterday starts second period, filled with these arrogant sophmore girls I sit next to because of a seating chart. A new drama everyday. So-and-so slept with Whats-his-name and then her best friend found out and slept with him too, only he said that he had better sex with So-and-so and now they were fighting... And they feel they need to describe every detail, and ask my opinion. What the hell?? I don`t really give a damn, I say, and turn around. ...What`s up her ass? They ask eachother. But whatever, I`m waist deep in writing or in my philosophy book. I don`t give a second thought to them. Then comes chemistry. I sit next to one of those same girls from second period and she ignores me, and sometimes turns around to these pervs who sit behind us and giggle when they mention sexual organs. The pervs argue about who`s had better sex, or whatever... and then I drown them out. 4th period, assumably the girl that shares sex and guys with her best friend. -Sigh- God damn it. Well, 5th period I have band pervs and chior jerks... whom are okay sometimes when they aren`t hounding me because I`m so "fucking innocent," which they were yesterday. 6th period, we had free discussion day, and one of the topics was weapons of mass destruction. Then this girl who is SO annoying, and SO ugly and SO stupid raises her hand. "Why don`t we just kill those stupid filthy asses before they kill us?" Okay first of all, how wrong is that? And second... the whole discussion was about how there were no weapons of mass destruction. ...Okay, the day is almost over! But no! I have JD and Clyde last period! Stop giving me your dirty looks and stares and leave me the hell alone, I don`t care about you bastards. I don`t care what you do. Just back off... and then its time to go home... and I`m so ready for it, but don`t get picked up until 5:00. So I get to think a lot, and start to cry... and then finally got picked up and had to pretend like everything was alright with me. Off to say si, we were cheery for awhile. Then everyone got cynical. and left. And I was alone, and went to go find my dad. There was this drunk guy in the alley way. I passed him and the put his hand on my shoulder, "You`re so pretty.. How's it going tonite?" And I walk on quickly, and he follows me, and I start to run.. I was so scared. Finally he stopped following me... and I stopped running and started to cry. Was everyone trying to torture me? Most importantly.. someone I thought never would? ...And I just made a mistake, I took the easy way out of a situation. I`m so upset.

A little part of me is very upset, a little part of me doesn`t want to care... But I don`t really seem to have the capacity not to care. I just wanna say to hell with it all and forget, and not look and see what's wrong there... but my eyes won`t close.