I'm not sorry I left you, I'm not sorry it's over.

Sushi for lunch later today, barbeque for dinner tonight! I love food. Lovely company, lovely ladies... maybe I should invite Justin? I have to write my conference film this week, or start it. I'm excited about it. I have to start looking for places who will donate a coffin to me or sell it to me for ridiculously cheap. Maybe rent?? I'll probably end up making one. I haven't told anyone about my idea except Damani, who is so super cool mega-awesome incredible, best professor ever. I am so not kidding about this. If you ever go to SLC, take him.

I'm at work right now, doing homework and facebook as usual. I have to get back into blogging, real blogging like the olden days where I was falsely poetic and such. I was weirdly in tune with myself back then as a kid and now I suck at that. I'm thinking of learning some meditation--yoga, something... maybe I'll feng shui up our apartment and start eating barley and lemon grass or something. Granola and bran. Become a purist and eliminate burgers and chicken wings from my diet. Survive on nuts and berries. Yeah right. Maybe I'll do that for a month or so and see how it turns out. Something has got to change. I wanna be more new age-bohemia, 60's radical, back to believing in revolution with my communist leanings, painting and writing in journals all the time, believing in traditional love and holding hands, first dates, head over heels, walk in the park type crap. Except not, because I don't want to date right now right now. What else? Gonna turn new leaves, leaves. Leave. Gonna do some letter writing with my darling chosen penpals. Gonna learn how to draw. Gonna have theme parties. Gonna have tea parties. Gonna watch a million movies, all the important ones, and take notes. Gonna read some shit, jeez! Gonna write a thousand screenplays and maybe start my book. Gonna plan my apocalyptic evacuation plan New York version. Gonna make baked goods all the time. Gonna take pictures for new projects. Number project? Food project? Gonna have a night cap every night before bed. Gonna get more musically talented. Gonna start a band or club or new production company. Sound ambitious? Hell yeah it is. We'll see how it goes.

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave...

Won't you try to take care of yourself? I can do it--it just honestly sucks sometimes not to be able to share my life, you know? I hope I got my radio show. Lately I've been expressing myself solely in music. It's a little sad and desperate, but hey, it's working out. I wish I could write my own shit. Maybe I will. Aela, Peggah, Judith and I briefly talked about starting a band. It was all in jest mostly, and only a fee of us actually play and can sing--myself not included. I can write though, oh I can write. We're going to see Across the Universe tomorrow. I'm so excited about that. What else? Oh, I'm an adult, I buy my own shit--all my own shit with my own money. The last thing my mom bought me was like a sweater, and the time before that I can't even remember. Food, clothing, movies--even fucking meds, whatever I want or NEED I have to supply for myself. I'm kind of jealous of wealthy kids in a way--they can still be kids... and save their money for like big shit, MP3 players or like stuff I could never afford or something cause I'm having to pay bills and grocery. I bought my own computer, won TV, own BED, own everything. Boo. And I have to have a job while I go to school. HAVE TO! And people talk to me like I have all this free time, cause I'm apparently not taking as many class hours as them, well--I work so I have the same hours, I just can't take extra shit I don't need like random dance class and music lessons like I wish I could take cause I have to make money and there isn't enough time in the day for all that. Arrrrrg. The end.

I wouldn't like me.

This morning was weird. Went to sleep around 4ish and I woke up early--around 7:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. Finally, around 9:30 I was able to get back to sleep... for an hour. It felt like forever, though. Then, I woke up in really really harsh tears. I don't know what to do with myself. I guess classes will help. I haven't felt this stupid in years.

And--post secret isn't working for me and I'm getting really fucking upset. But, I just checked my horoscope and I think--hope, it's all gonna be looking up soon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I predict that you will soon be drinking your morning wake-up beverage out of a goblet made of gold, mined in ancient times. Songbirds will appear near your window to sing you tunes that magically unleash your dormant genetic potentials. Out of nowhere, servants will arrive and offer to wash your feet in jeweled basins once used to baptize the children of queens. Maybe most exciting of all, you will command the power of the wind and lightning. OK, so maybe everything I just predicted will only occur in your dreams. But even if that’s the case, it’s a sign that you’re in a heightened state of receptivity to miracles and wonders — which suggests that they will soon be swirling around you.

Too late to be gracious.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I guess I'm wasted and sad. Had a good night though, but it's all just... so not fair.

Tell them this love hasn't changed me at all.

I am currently in my new apartment--in the "study" room, aka the room where our desks and computers and books are. My roommates are asleep in our "common" room, which is pretty much where the beds, TV, couch and craziness is. I've had around 14 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours, which is pleasant. Not really. Unfortunately, I've got insomnia or something probably related to stress and/or depression. I'll get over it though. Right now, I'm actually now running on adrenaline from excitement. Today seemed never-ending, it was awful and we're still not all the way unpacked and organized. Hopefully pictures will be up tomorrow though, our apartment is pretty awesome. I'm going to be a taking a film class, a film history class and a Mexican literature class with incorporation of visual arts and film. Hell yes. Also, I will be working on some small projects of my own--video blogging, screenwriting, and I will hopefully obtain a radioshow and be a DJ on the air for an hour a week. I'll give you a heads up on that.

The sad thing is, that I've recently noticed I'm not writing for myself anymore, it's almost as if it's a letter meant for someone I don't know--can't have, or who won't read this. A desperate cry for someone. A wrote a letter on a nothing day.

I was walking as a ghost.

Forgive me. I've been so blind. It kinda sucks. I'm here and I'm depressed. I left things behind--I feel like I forgot something big. But I wanted to feel... wanted. Anyway, wanna be penpals? I know I'm pretty much just talkin' to you, Carly, cause you're the only one that reads this--when you can. Gimme your address. Send the journal back and forth? Weekly? For real this time.

Sara Hinojosa
Sarah Lawrence College
1 Mead Way
Bronxville, NY
10708

Release the Stars

The more that you fight, the more they will scrutinize and realize... that you're exactly where you didn't want to be. And it feels good. It feels like you were supposed to be here the whole time. I am noticing a trait in the way I handle things--too passive. No one can read my mind so I've got to speak it--or single-handledly ruin any chances I may have for happiness. We're not obsessed with the shape of things. I'm sorry for what I've done, the time I wasted, but I ended up in the same forest in a boat anyway. This isn't making very much sense. But I get it.