;_:! I hate thee, Best Buy! Why must thou be closed whenst I finally get to traverse to thee??? o_O Damn you!

So far, summer's been pretty great, what with Sarah`s party on Saturday with Brianna, Hector, and Monica there. All those kids are so majorly awesome. Except for Monica, she smells. It feels like a Saturday but it's Monday. I guess because I came into Say Si at 2:00 today. We just had a meeting about Pet Fruit today. I`d really like Brian to be D.P... but I`m not sure about director. No one really knows what's going on too much. Carly and Fred do... but Mark doesn`t. Everyone's listeing to some Star Wars thing to the tune of American Pie... I think it used to be on Radio Disney. Anyway, I feel bad about not going to graduation and Fishy's party. I should have. Well, we're supposed to have a Degrassi party Friday. Me, Desi, Max and Ruby, but I dunno how that`s gonna go. Max doesn`t have his satellite yet, and Desi's is messed up... and me and Ruby are living in houses full of people that won`t go away. Well, something has to work. I also want to... spend the day at the dollar movies Sunday. Eternal Sunshine, Cold Mountain, Dawn of the Dead, Secret Window and countless other things I`d like to see are playing. Fred'll most likely wanna go. I`m gonna ask Tab, Toni and Autumn and maybe Robert... to go. But they've all evaporated. o_O So, I have to locate them. n_n

"A Lack Of Color"
Death Cab for Cutie

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

This fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03 and on your machine a slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years

Hey you! Say Sí kid! Go here! Pet Fruit!

This is why I LOVE KSYM! Title and Regestration, Patsy Cline, Social Distortion, The Smiths covers, The Shins, Bob Marley and Happiness is a Warm Gun... all in less than and hour! I`m in heaven! n_n "Happiness is a warm, (oh yes it is....) gun! Bang bang shoot shoot!"

A new favorite...

The glove compartment is inaccurately named
and everybody knows it
so I'm proposing a swift, orderly change
'cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all I find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life

I was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood

when I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
'cause it's too important to stay the way it's been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night

but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone just like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest: where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night; all night, when I'm lying awake at night

Death Cab for Cutie- Title and Registration

The Cure be coming, The Cure be coming! I am done here.

Today was special. Fun and hopeful and happy. All day long people were talking about their ambitions and loves, and everyone was reguarding each other pretty... decently. I feel somewhat invisible, perhaps because I have allowed myself to be so, but in certain situations I do not feel I deserve to be cast aside so, by those I care about no less. But today everyone is glad, they have excitement in their eyes and memories in their hearts and they walk on into tomorrow dancing all together. We started a tradition today. A spur of the moment tradition. Through a walk, a box of Fruitloops and a half gallon of milk we made our friendships stronger. Ruby, Desi, Clyde, Laura, Fish, Amanda and I all decided to go together to the taco place. It was closed today so we went to Dollar General and bought cereal. We sat on a curb together, and laughed... and had fun, and talked about our year, and our past years. It was lovely. We decided to continue this tradition, every year, no matter who we became, or where we branched off to, we'd be friends. I said we were like the breakfast club. 8 of us, not really knowing too much about eachother, but leaving closer, and better off because we met. I was the girl with all the stuff in her bag... Ruby teased. Then no, I was the princess. Clyde was the jock... the popular. We stopped there. We were no one, but ourselves. 8 good friends, sitting on the edge of the world, loving, dreaming, living. We got quiet and the wind blew through... lifting a plastic bag up and away from us, and then we saw the blue sky was all around. It was truely a moment not to be forgotten. It was a fantastic way to end this year with that group of my friends. For a moment everyone was pure and dreamlike... we floated away with our plastic bag.

Memories... so sad, or so beautiful... and so... haunting. It's weird. One moment to the next... is different, time leaves you behind. You can`t help but wonder... that if you said something differently, or tried harder... would you still be living in those memories? Sometimes it's hard to belive that God has you right where he wants you... either because you think you had it so good... or you miss the past or just don`t understand any of what happens. When you wake up late at night you think of this, and it makes you sad, and angry... or you just feel so lonely. Then you drift off into a dream of what was, or what might be, or what is... and in the morning your shoes don't fit. Maybe you've been changed all along. Have I changed? Somehow I believe I have, and not for the better. I`m happy, and hopeful, and glad at the world... but untrusting still. Who knows. Perhaps somehow I will benefit from this time.

Life is weird...
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Curious and curiouser...

Just some random itunes for your enjoyment...
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I’m tired I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

I`m not done here...

Quote of the day.... "Oh... get me a bar of.... something..."

Oh! Today was so great. Life is so funny. Shall I start from the beginning? It is the morning! It is lovely... cloudy and cool, and I get to school and sit in the grass with some of the coolest people God has ever created, laughing and being merry, and then Tabitha and I go off to the T.I.F lab for dual tesing. We get to mess around on the internet for awhile, so we get Xanga accounts and look up Thom`s journal. That kid's cool. So later we start the testing and it's easy... until the math. Bleh, math. xP Well... we passed! 'Ceptin I didn`t pass the math but, tis okie. I go off to Chemistry and chill with the kids in there, who are neat and goofy. Tabitha Autumn and I go down the stairs to meet Fred... and there's Anthony! All smiley... and cool, and then especially smiley when he says hi to me and I ask him how he is. Oh, what a kid. xP Well, then we all go to lunch... and I was kinda mad then... :/ But I was soon cured cause in Algebra we just did a crossword puzzle then talked about our fears... and haunted experiences. Then in 5th period I went with Bravo, Drew and Jesus under the school, and watched some Homestar. Then 6th I messed around with my Freshman clan, Ruby Max and Desi, and Ruby was happy today, but Desi wasn`t... and was sorta snappy. u_u But oh well. Then! It was 7th.... BOOORRRIIIINNNGGGG... but I drew, when I was sposed to write and I should do that now... but I`m almost done! Okay, after school Monica and I discovered we were wearing the same outfit. -_- It was kinda funny, but not. So, we go to Say Si and hear Robert left, and we're getting new kids, then it;s off to Ned's show. It was cool, but none of the girls could stop giggling. It was especially so when there was a guy with a heavy accent making a speech. I HAD to look over at Monica... and then I couldn`t take it, I started laughing but tried to hold it back which ended up in a HUGE GIGANTIC rasberry type sound. I`m hysterical right now even while typing this. Monica started laughing an we had to get out of there, so we did. Jeez, its so crazy. n_n Then afterwards Brianna and Cary and Fred kept pointing out the fact we were dressed alike and that we were the same person or something stoopid kids. Sarah knows we're not the same person. n_n Oh oh... so great. Well, I`m out to write a screenplay. Fred and Carly better write some too, or I`ll kill them.

Take me out tonight
Where there’s music and there’s people
And they’re young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven’t got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don’t drop me home
Because it’s not my home, it’s their
Home, and I’m welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don’t care
I don’t care, I don’t care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldn’t ask)

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

-Dance dance- I wanna sing out loud and write until my hand falls off, and be in love, but I am in love! With the world... and it's peace and it's beauty... and what we can do to maintain it. And with animals and my morals and values and ethics... and with what I can learn and what I can do with it. It's funny, when you step back, and you can see who really needs what, and you can help... and sometimes you can`t. You try, you know... but some people are proud, and at the slightest test of their beliefs, or a sudden change of heart, they put everything to waste, beauty they found, the peace and tranquility of the world. When will people learn that happiness lies in themselves, and what they believe and feel in their hearts... not in wat someone feels for them. Love is one of the most important things... but its found in so many ways shapes and forms, and you can`t truely love another, unless you love yourself. And oh! I wish I could make everyone happy, and tell you exactly how I see you... as gracious and beautiful individuals... actually, I think I`ll do that right now....

KSYM is so gosh darn neat.

I`m so happy! And I`m sitting here crying because I`m so happy! I`m happy for you Aldo, that you're happy finally, and I`m happy for Sarah and Mark because they're so beautiful, and they make people believe, I`m happy at so much right now. I`m happy for excited people with dreams and aspirations, and passions! I`m happy everytime I see Brian rave about some movie, because you can see how much they mean to him, and I`m happy when my friend Candace talks about basketball, even though I care less about basketball, I see the look on her face, it's so... excited, and passionate and this is when people truely stand out. When they believe in something, whether it may seem so insignifcant, it's their world and their life and their... dream. I can`t help but smile, when someone smiles, and help someone out... when they need it. Today I was a shoulder to cry on, and it felt beautiful to help someone feel better, because it also made me feel better. Today I was invincible and pensive... and... Kris was happy. He was so happy, and so alive, and it made me want to just hug him to death. I feel radiant, and enlightened by all these different things around me that are so interesting, and uncredited. I walked up to a random girl I saw in the hallway today and told her she had the most beautiful eyes... and she smiled at me, honest and true and said thank you. I was almost sure she was going to blow me off, or something, and then there was this happy reaction... and it inflated me... I don`t know, it's a million little things... that when you add them up, it makes life incredible.

Dear "J",
I don`t appreciate your comments in the least, perhaps I would in person, but in my journal, that`s a different story... I have a pretty good idea on who you are, and if you don`t give a damn about me, then why don`t you just leave me to my life, and get out of my business. I don`t care about you and your problem with who I am... because I for one, am my own person. Who I am is who I am, and I`m proud of being me. If you have a problem, let me know, instead of posting it in my journal, in my space, without even providing who you are. I think it's really low. Oh, and that "I hate boys"? And boys hate me? I seriously don`t have a problem with hate. I don`t practice it, and I normally avoid those who do. So if you hate me, all the better for you, and if the whole entire boy poplulation has a problem with me, it's not going to tear me apart. There are so many better things in life than the opposite sex, which so many people should try and understand. Besides, a person`s allowed to have a messed up day, or couple of days, and talk about it with her friends. If you overhear something you don`t like, there's nothing I can do about it. Execpt say, well, slap me, and see what happens. Yeah, I admit, I can be rude, and stuck up, you've all seen it. But I don`t do it just to be a bitch, and unlike many you'll meet, I care. Sure, I`ve had a pretty hard time this month, so just leave me to it since you and "PLENTY" of people hate me. Oh and about my "friends" (which by the way, I`m pretty sure shouldn`t be in quotations) I love them, and would never wrong them, as you so erroneously stated. It`s just not my style to do that to anybody. So, kindly leave me alone now.

"How can you spend so much time with someone... only to find out, they're a complete stranger?"

I am so bored... I am so bored... I am so bored... I should do something... Or go to bed... But I`m much too lazy to do anything... and I` full up with caffeine. I should cover my window with stuff. Yes. Stuuuuuuffff.... o_o

Happy happy birthday! I love you Sarah! You`re the neatest! I hope you had a really great day!

"Do you realize... that you have the most beautiful face?"

For Tabitha`s benefit... Today was a happy day! Yay! Umm... -blink- umm... we played a concert in the library. It went well. And uh... oh! That guy Anthony hugged me for no reason whatsoever. I walked in the bandhall, looking for Jeebus, and there Anthony was, with his dreamy oboe that I`m marrying. I guess I won`t tell you the whole story, because no one really cares... but yeah. So later I go to geography, and Ruby starts telling me a buncha stuff about him, then we all decide we`re going to Closure, though I shoulda gone to First Friday... but oh well, I got to dance and hang out with homosexuals and wear cowbow boots. n_n And I had a vision of Max being run over by a train, which was scary. Desi talked sense into me tonite, and I think everyone in art and apparell think I`m totally weird because I was hyper and whatnot. It all started 6th... and now I`m gonna get me some onion rings. ...But I`m craving commercial coffee.

Day two, not as great as Day one, but okay. Day three looking to be a bummer, and days 4 and 5 as well. I`ve been comtemplative recently, which is not good, and I need to stop. I also need to stop writing those letters and putting them all over the school. It`s getting old really fast. I wanted to go to the library today, but it was closed. So I went and wrote a random letter and placed it in the corner of the front of the school. It was still there after school. I was debating on giving it away, almost did, but no. So it's probably still there, because that corner is dusty and abandoned now. I also want to do some yoga. And write a book, and film my one minute movie tonite. I want to do something wondeful, but that`s impossible. "I want to fly, never come down, and live my life, and have friends around." Yes. I need... a friend back.

"Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one."

I had a funny notion Monday. I`m not going to say it cause you kids will be like.. "SUUURE, you're just a crazy girl." But honest to God, I had a notion about that flower I picked Monday. Whole story never, because it's not worth it.

Today was interesting. Day one down, four more to go. The outcome should be... interesting. Life is interesting. That`s a rather vague term, perhaps that`s why I use it. In sad news, O`bryan is hurting himself. It's horrible. I dunno how to come through to him. I can`t even come through to myself. I`m soup. n_n Well, I found a nice Sarah McLauchlan song. Nite all.

Funny how you wake up one morning and your eyes are wide open and something makes you realize so much. Love changes form, and I`m happy. There's no reason not to be, at all. Everything happens for a reason doesn`t it?

Sun is shinin' in the sky,
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin'
Everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day.

Runnin' down the avenue,
See how the sun shines brightly
In the city on the streets
Where once was pity,
Mr. Blue Sky is living here today.

Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why,
You had to hide away
For so long where did we go wrong.

Hey there Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do,
Everybody smiles at you.

Hey you with the pretty face,
Welcome to the human race!
A celebration, Mr. Blue Sky's
Up there waitin' and today
Is the day we've waited for!

Mr. Blue you did it right,
But soon comes Mr. Night,
Creepin' over, now his
Hand is on your shoulder,
Nevermind, I'll remember you this way.

Wow, I`m... extremely complex and annoying. How can anyone deal with me? I`m needy and emo and selfish... this year I kept sinking and sinking further and further, and I never saw it.

What I dream I had:
Pressed in organdy;
Clothed in crinoline of smoky Burgundy;
Softer than the rain.
I wandered empty streets
Down past the shop displays.
I heard cathedral bells
Tripping down the alley ways,
As I walked on.

And when you ran to me
Your cheeks flushed with the night.
We walked on frosted fields of juniper and lamplight,
I held your hand.
And when I awoke and felt you warm and near,
I kissed your honey hair with my grateful tears.
Oh I love you, girl.
Oh, I love you.

Memories are strong in me, why does time move on? I stay in one place, alone and abandoned and no one sees me. I`m not the first one here, there have been others. Why can`t I move? I just really want that answered, you know? As much as I want to move, I`m waiting here for awhile. As much as I want to run, run away, my heart is firmly planted in this spot. I`m just a little girl, and this is too much for me. Johnny pushed me in the sand box and I scraped my knee. Ha. If only that were the case.

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn’t feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You want her, you need her
And yet you don’t believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he’s gone
She doesn’t need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fil your head
You won’t forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years.

Tabitha! Call me about later. 365-9644

Random

1.Don`t Turn Around-Ace of Bass

2. Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime-Beck

"Dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream you wish to come true.
If only I could have a puppy, I`d call myself so very lucky just to have some company to share a cup of tea with me."

I hate dreams. All of them are nightmares. Things I can`t have, things that will never happen, things that were, things that are. All taunting.