Try to hide all your sins.

Today I was recognized as a Mexican by two of the cafeteria workers here at Sarah Lawrence. I think that's badass. Chicano power, hijo. Today was a somewhat emotional day... I had a weird conversation, or rather, no conversation with a beloved one. In short, I am an utter fool in the means of expressing myself and being honest. Take the plunge, Sara... take the plunge. Give yourself up, aren't you tired? Aren't you tired? I am tired. I need to share the weight of myself with someone else, take the weight of someone else in my arms and embrace these feelings deep inside me. What have I to fear but loss itself? There is much to lose, but on the path that I'm currently on it can all be lost so easily. If I were to abandon all my bullshit rationality and succumb to my passions... then that would be something. I'm always the same person--even with the love of my life--I always imagined my other half would save me, the puzzle would be complete, but I realize I need to offer a little give in order for that to happen. It's going along nicely but can you imagine the true connectedness if I were to just... let go of all my inner inhibitions? It'd be utterly fantastic. Sometimes I'm furious at myself and depressed because of myself and I really think I need to do some inner soul remodeling. Demolish all that self doubt, you know? All it does is get in the way. I'm happy, I am... extremely happy. I'm just adjusting to this new life in this new place, I haven't exactly made any friends.... just acquaintances. I ate dinner and lunch by myself today. But soon, but soon.