What a terrible and yet... NECESSARY blow. I`m free now. Free... by choice? Oh I wish.. but either way... its better. I`m glad... SO glad. So... not glad too. Oh it really does sort of sting... badly. Oh a hard blow... another to the soul. I don`t think I can take anymore for awhile... so sorry world but you`re gonna have to pause or pass me by. Just are. Go on... leave me alone!!!

My parents are now "concerned" about me. Yay. Apparantly they think I`m being picked on or something... because I told them that I hate school and hate going there. I really do though. No one`s "picking" on me but the general enviornment of my school is one that annoys me. Stupid teachers, students... everyone. Yes. I am throughly annoyed. Really everything is wrong. Part of my unhappiness is that I miss my friends. Thats all it is. I guess I`m lonely. Well, I don`t guess. I AM lonely. Ah well... nothing I can do about that. "Monday, Monday... so good to me..." This song is completely stupid. -Sigh- I hate Mondays in their entirety. Now that I quoted that song its in my head.......... xP

I want to get out of here. Of the city, of everything as soon as possible. I wanna find something I`m good at. I wanna devote myself to it and be the best I can be. I wanna be someone. I want everyone to hear me. I want to help or entertain the world. I want to be happy. I want to be as happy as I can be and I want the the world to be as happy as it can be. I want to.... cry. Right now I want to cry. I`m crushed. Seriously crushed and I don`t know what I`m going to do. Not at all.

Randomized:

And you can`t see when all your dreams are coming true, who the hell did I think I was? And I`m not sure where I belong... No where`s home and I`m all wrong. And you choke on the regrets.. yeah. Stranger than your sympathy... _{Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy}

You and I`ve got something but its all and then its nothing to me... And I want to get free, talk to me! And I was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me. _{Goo Goo Dolls, Here Is Gone}

Things haven`t been ths same since you came into my life... you found a way to touch my soul and I`m never ever ever gonna let it go. You knew all along.. what I never wanted to say. Until I learned to love myself... I was never ever loving anybody else. _{Secret, Madonna}

I have iTunes on random. I`ve never heard this before...

Fools rush in so here I am, awfully glad to be unhappy.
I can`t win but here I am, more than glad to be unhappy.
Unrequited love's a bore, yeah, and I've got it pretty bad.
But for someone you adore, it's a pleasure to be sad._{The Mamas and The Papas, Glad to be Unhappy}

I`m sorry. I`m so sorry...

I`m sitting here, lost. Staring at nothing... so lost so alone... remorseful.

You`ll never write for me.
I just realized this burn.
My flesh is red and scarred..
You`ll never write for me.
My heart just expoloded.
My stomach it churns.
You`ll never write for me.
And I`ll sink into the Earth.
The words I write for you.
You will never hear.
I`ll throw them all away.
My sadness in a box.
You`ll never write for me.
Its like a blow to the soul.
I can`t believe I didn`t know.
I`ll never hear a word...

Love is like the lemon tree.
Lemon Tree by Peter Paul and Mary

Fred`s hella pissed at me right now.. even though I love and admire him. What I did is crap on my part.. but boys take things so seriously. Monica and I didn`t mean any harm... AT ALL. We just wanted to meet Oprah and get him a cool hair stylist. xP Grr.. I`m going to bed upset...

I can`t help wondering why the hell I`m not happy. There are... so many things that I should be happy about... and nothing really that should make me... sad. Nothing at all. Its so screwed up. Now I`m mad at myself. Why do I have to be so stupid? I`m absoloutely FINE.. why can`t I be happy??? Damn it... -sigh- I don`t know. And I don`t know why I can`t want something perfectly wonderful that could be... all my own. I know it`d be great but.. I know somehow I`d screw it up. I don`t want it to be like that... no. I really don`t.

I feel so alone again. Gah Samantha! You don`t understand. I need you, dear. And you need me! You`ve proven that. Come to Jeff. You say you will. Come soon. Things are complicated. I can`t be as open as you, you know that? Things are delicate in the world I`m in. They`ll fall apart at the slightest push, I`ve witnessed it before. I`ve witnessed it. Happened right before my eyes... happened to two I love. I`ve been hurting a lot of people lately and I just want it to stop. Stop the hurting, even if I didn`t cause it... Yeah. I`ll finish tomorrow.

La la la la la.... -Dance dance dance- Heh. n_n

Today I found someone I am genuinely scared of. I`ve never met anyone like that before but today... I did. Her name is Iris and she`s obnoxious and really really scary. -Shrugs- I met her at the Thespian club meeting. She seemed kinda odd from the beginning but... little did I know that in the next hour I was to be interrogated and scared the hell out of. -Blink blink- It was an odd experience. It was like... I was her best friend for an hour. She was clingy and scary and told me obscene things. And plus.. she totally bashed gays and lesbians which got me completely angered. I happen to be good friends with a lot of lesbians right now and they are really great people. You can`t help your imbalances..... Anyway she scared the crap out of me. I`m not going to tell you every detail right now but.. I hope I never see that weird girl again. We couldn`t be more opposite. I guess that that was it, you know? Total complete opposites. Every other word out of her mouth was a cuss word... not that I don`t cuss occasionally but I find people that do it every other word are just ignorant. LEARN some REAL adjectives! I think she was just a closed-mind person all around. I dunno but.. it was really unpleasant... maybe later I`ll go into detail..

Aww... friendship love conquers all, darling. I cannot buy you as of now... -tear and hugs-

Hmm. Something`s different. Something I don`t like. Something STUPID. Heh. Wanna hear something terrible? Okay. (If you said YES read on. If NO stop reading right now and get the hell out of my blog!) Well, one of the best friends I`ve ever had is currently going to my school again. Sad thing is... I NEVER see her. But today, at a stupid freshman assembly, I saw her. She sat next to me. Turns out, she`s now really good friends with the one of the ONLY 2 enemies I`ve ever had. REALLY good it seems. Imagine that. I was so excited that she and I were going to go to the same high school. And now.. we never see eachother. Not to mention the JEALOUSY I feel. I wanted her to be MY best friend again. -Sigh- I`m so stupid. But.. I do need a friend that`s a girl in school. One that I can tell girl stuff to and she can tell me things and... -sigh- I want Samantha back. Sarah and Monica are great and I love them and tell them my girl stuff.. but they just aren`t there in school. Say Síers.. they`re great and I love those guys so much... I just wish I had them around all the time. I`m selfish. Muahahaha! O_o

The world gives you little when you want a lot. When you want little, it gives you more than you can imagine. When you want to be left alone it intrudes, and when you want to be recognized, it passes you by. It gives you hell ontop of hell or hell atop heaven. And then, it works slyly. Your emotions reverse right when all seems unbearable, and you find a person that changes the world for you. One that makes you forget. One that makes you love and heals your wounds. They blindfold you so that you can no longer see the unkindness in the world. You get used to this bliss all too quicky and readily, until one day the bliss peaks and the only way to go is down. They withdraw the blindfold, the love, the kindness, and you snap back into a reality that now seems unbearably dark. Your wounds split open once more and the pain envelopes you. Decaying inside, what was once passion, fades away. You are left as a small shadow of yourself. Dark against a white wall and yet seemingly invisible. Screams are silenced, dreams are forgotten, the heart is vacant. Perhaps one day... a passerby will take a look at the shadow upon the wall. Perhaps one day... someone will stop and mistake the dark hues for something beautiful. Perhaps one day... someone will want. One day... they will understand. They will save. As of now, I am the shadow on the wall. I was invisible, I was pained. And yet...someone stopped. They stopped for me. They stopped to love, to understand. They stopped. And I, a shadow, foolish in my ways, vacant in my heart, made them walk on. Oh how I wish, I wish I could have gone. Oh how I wish I wasn`t pasted to this wall. Oh how I wish my heart worked right. I wish that I was wiser. Older. Kinder. I wish I could stop myself from making more dark shadows. Yes, I have made shadows. I am not proud. Proud would be terrible. Having pride for doing something terrible. The shadows, they are terrible. Shadows. Shadows that are pasted to the wall. They wait. They are vacant. Invisible, pained and cold. I want to walk on but I can`t. For this I am sorry. I am sorry for myself. I miss out. I am sorry. I want to walk with you. I want to. If only my heart... weren`t vacant. If only... if only... if only.... I want to walk with you. I`m sorry. I can`t make you stay. You can`t be a shadow. I won`t let you. I love you, I do. Don`t stay. I can`t let you. I`m sorry.

If only I could have a friend, to stick with me until the end.
And walk along beside the sea... to share a bit of moon with me.
I`d take my friend most everywhere. La la la la I wouldn`t care.
We`d stay away from crowds and signs that said "No friends aloud."
Oh we... we`d be so happy to be... together,
But dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream, you wish to come true.
Your wish will come true, your wish will come true...

Damn, I just wrote something really long and pressed escape or something... so it all disappeared. -Sigh- Anyhow... today is seemingly better. Mmmhm. Aww.. Monica bough me these 50`s sunglasses that i wanted but didn`t get when we were at Be Bop`s. Isn`t that sweet? That was so nice of her. -Grins- it made me feel special. Hmm... I think mebbe I`ll head over to the VA to get something to eat or.. mebbe I`ll just get some fries... -Thinks- Yeah. Mebbe.

Aaron Palooza. And I don`t get to go. -Tear- I have to go to Sarah`s house tonight `cause my parents are.. I dunno.. going somewhere. I really feel like seeing a movie but... I don`t think that`ll happen for me either. Ah well... it seemed really awful last night but today.. I dunno.. I`m still mad but, what can you do?!? Nothing, that`s what. Parents... so evil, so... bleh.

Hello blog. -Sigh- Today was a day that doesn`t even deserve to be recorded. So I won`t record it. Bye.

I didn`t get to go to Say Sí today. -Frown- It was torture on my soul! -Frown- How sad. VERY sad. The world is a mess. What a strange place it is. -Frown- And yet.. its lookin` brighter. And I will.. continue to wait it out.

Hello, my Blog! I haven`t been able to get here!! Grr... ANYWAY! -Grins- I`m happy again. GENUINELY happy. I cut my ropes, I`m no longer tied down. I`m a spirit free to love and live once more! Yesterday was the perfect start of my new... new outlook, I would guess. Yes, yes. I went to Say Sí tre early in the mornin` and made some music. Whoo hoo, music! And then, 2:00 rolled around and I went to go get some fries. Woo hoo, fries! And then, I got back, ate them and Zach, Monica, Fred Hector and I played a game of... "IT" that Zach invented. We played that for awhile. And then... Sarah came and wanted us to play "Mafia" which is some strange game where the Mafia and God are somehow connected. -Raises eyesbrows- I dunno but.. it was fun. Mark and Matt joined us for this and so did some of them.. Visual Arts kids. Heh heh. Anyway, after that it was nearing 5:00 and time to go... but then...plans to go see 28 Days Later were made. Amazingly, my mother said I could go, so Monica, Hector and I caught a ride with Monica`s Mom to Rivercenter. We window shopped for little doo-dads for about an hour until 6:30 when we were supposed to meet Mark and Zach. So, we went up to the movie theatre and Mark appeared outta nowhere. (<– Is that one word or two?) Yeah well... I guess he`s magical like that. So, Zach was nowhere to be found. So, Mark called Ned to get his number and called him while I took a picture of Monica and John Mayer. Oddly, (probably because we forgot to tell him) Zach didn`t know we were all at Rivercenter. So`s we waited while he caught a ride to us. Amidst all the calling and confusion, i remembered that we hadn`t even checked if 28 Days Later was playing at Rivercenter. We all went up to the theatre and sadly, it wasn`t. Ha! It was stupid on our part. -Looks at the time- Gee, I`m already supposed to be at CCD. -Sticks tongue out- Eh, I have to make my.. Confirmation. Even THOUGH... I don`t see why Catholics are the only ones that have to follow the 7 Sacraments or we all go to limbo. I told my Mom this and she was pissed at me. Anyway, we went to the Toy Store and messed around there for awhile. I got mocked by a fake parrot... which was insane. -Stabs Mark- And then we decided just to see another movie. We wound up seeing, The Order... and I have to go. I`ll finish later...

Heh, heh heh.. good day. Suprisingly good... and yet... it has a sort of sorrow woven into it. You know how that is.... Lemme see... a plunder of good things happened today... and I feel rejuvinated and very... confused at that. Not so SO confused.. as it would ruin the day, but a sort of... sweet confusion. I`m not making sense. Well, I`ll write more at home. I`m going to go ask around for another.. "PURE SUBSTANCE" for my Chemistry Homework. Homework... what a drag and waste of time. I mean, what if the kid does it wrong?!?! Then he`s confused for life... notice I say "HE". No, no... that`s mean and I`m sorry. Let me refrase. Then he or... some stupid girl are confused for life! That`s better. Anyway, I`m off!

-Sigh- Today was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. It just was. Well, I don`t really know what to say. I`m down at Say Sí right now. People are trying to log and capture things for the "U" trailer... and others are working on finishing up the Pineapple Movie... Well.. thats all I have to say for now. Confusion takes its toll.

I`ve been on for about an hour... just here bored now so I think I`m callin` the internet quits. Aww.. crap. I just remembered I can`t call it quits. I`m s`posed to talk to someone around now. Less than 10 minutes from now. Damn it. I wanted to go too. Well, I still can, you know? But, I just think I should stick it out and talk to my friend. Iffen then I get bored, I`m callin` it over. Well, to make things less painful I guess I`ll download some music and write in this here blog. Then, it won`t be a total waste of time. -Sighs- I got somemore subliminal "little girl" comments today. I`m just ignorin` it. I don`t really care anymore, its more of just a tiny icy pang. I have decided to withdraw my feelings from a ceratin subject that, now seems to me too much trouble and too many broken friendships. I`m sorry that I didn`t see that before. I feel betrayed I guess, and silly. Ha! I`m so glad I figured it out! Now, just to sort out everything else I made a mess of.... Tsk, tsk... I AM a silly girl. Tons of poeple tell me that and it never dawned on me that its so... well... THERE IT IS FOR YA! Yours truely, a genuinely "Silly Girl." I`m really wanting to streak my hair, I`m so bored with it. I was thinking I was gonna cut it but now, I figure I`ll grow it way long. Yeah well, I`m s`posed to streak it today but, as I said earlier, it just might not happen. Well now, my friend is 30 minutes late. What a shame! Oh, look, its Hector. A save! Unless, its not a save... -Raises eyebrows- Oh dear God! Its the first. What a shame! -Sighs- I just...Aww.. I feel mortally wounded. And insanely mad at myself. I didn`t know what I was saying in afore blogs. I don`t KNOW who I am, you have to realize that. I don`t know. Perhaps... I should figure it out.