You've Been Flirting Again

I don't want to see you. I don't want you to touch me. I don't want you to know me anymore. I try to distance myself so much from the person I am--or was? There is no one I am looking for anymore. I found someone and they failed me too. Now all I can do is save myself. I take refuge in hundreds of books, I sleep in a queen size bed with quilts and quilts and sheets and pillows to drown me. Maybe no one will know I'm here. Maybe I will sleep a hundred years and wake up in a fairy tale. I always tell myself that life is not a fairy story, but I still expect it to be.

Have you ever experienced a moment so beautiful that you felt life couldn't go on for one more second because you believed there was no chance that anything could be as fulfilling. You almost want to die right then and there than to ever feel unjust, hurt or jealousy again. The present is never as good as the past--the present is never as good as the future. The moments we live for are constantly fleeting as if they're trying to remind us that beauty is all a dream. We invent it.

Something stops.

I feel like the Bjork song, "It's Oh So Quiet." I hate this bullshit courting/dating experience most of the time. Brian and I were talking about the concept of relationships, "love" etc. and we came up with the notion that this exact point of a relationship, the one that I am currently stationed at, is the very pivotal and peak of the whole romantic experience. It is after courtship and the parts of exploring someone, admiring someone, that we begin to fall out of love with them. I'm not talking about attraction. I'm talking about interest, vulnerability, excitement. When we begin to feel comfortable there is no real risk--there is nothing to keep it interesting--there is no where to go but down. Thus, no matter how annoyed I am about these peaks I am experiencing in my whole "courtship of attraction," after these peaks stop, then will begin the long process of falling out of love. How do you retain these emotions and keep the spark alive? Sure we get used to people, we care about them, but then they've turned into friends we sleep with. What then differentiates this person from your friends? You could sleep with any of your friends. You could. This is companionship. We all need companions. But we all have them already--we call them friends. Why are we still looking? We're looking for that spark--that interest, that new something that we desire or admire. Something archaic within us responds to the same promissory thought inside of them. It's all archaic. How do you keep anything new?