Even though you're a fucking bitch, I love you.

Screw that.

Old Interests

And so the world turns, dazzlingly methodic- it sweeps me away on a rippling wave. I sway when you mention:

Writing, films, talking loudly in movies when you're with your friends, making fun of movie clichés, coloured socks, pretty sweaters, sleepovers, reading, poetry in prose form, sending and receiving letters, Audrey Hepburn, boys with curly hair, handwriting, mispelling things on purpose and on accident, thinking mispelled words are spelled right, language. I wanting to live in libraries or in the Met. I yearn for and am sceptical about religion, Egypt, avocadoes, India, music, shows, cello, passion, drums, love, colour. I love drinking pink champagne, secret smokes, weather, throwing formal parties, veggie girls and boys and rain. I am always wishing I could live in a hotel, go away, run away, make a life. I am always editing, reading and writing screen plays, writing stories, thinking of beautiful things, admiring people. I enjoy bottles of red wine, seeing dead birds, nature, day dreaming, fairy tales, night picnics, watercolour, filming, top hats, best friends, and BFF's. I am always dancing, wishing I were fainting, feigning fainting, living, dying, hurting, looking for hair dye, eating gorgeously unhealthy foods. I am intrigued by the purple water I used to leave behind in the shower, Say Sí, hookahs, brownies, cakes as big as... big cakes, pearls, remote places, mountains, memories, disco heartbeats. I like old lady jewelry, looking at people and wondering what they're like, just listening, being hyper, acting like an ignorant girl, being my true self, shopping with friends, finding new girl friends, thinking about the past, baked potatoes, spelling colour with a "u." I poke people I like, I hug my friends, I can't converse with the intelligent, I lose my cool, I run like a mad woman. It kills me when people wink at me... that's the greatest (especially when it's creepy old men, but only secretly.) Sybil Vane is the best, and so is spelling potatoes and tomatoes with "e's, " going to thrift stores, being an old lady, vintage, Jive!, thinking you have clothes you saw in a vintage store, full skirts, dressing 50's. Right now I am wondering why the summer has changed my wardrobe, why I hate wearing shorts and T-shirts but I've been doing it anyway, I am thinking about how selfish I can be. I collect coats, gloves!, scarves, scarfs, I just remember that stupid girl never gave m, e back my best friend scarf that she so obviously STOLE from right off my neck. The love of my life is Pablo Neruda, won't you marry me. Show me the moon, new phrases, tell me inside jokes. It's fun catching buddy icons go idle, wondering about the love of my life, listening to good music really loudly, falling asleep with headphones on, sleeping on the roof. I idolize sing me to sleep, sunsets, sunrises, little canvases, mix tapes, crackers, the sea, sea shells. I am always secretly learning about people I have crushes on, craving fried rice, applying at restaurants, imagining what I want my life to be like, making people stare at me because I eat more than the average person, getting home after 3 AM. I take early walks in the park, I appreciate irony, listening to conversations in spanish, speaking spanish to people who don't know a word of the language, ipods, hiding my ATM card from myself, buying things for people, buying food for people, wishing I were two years older, wondering why I'm short and bony. My favorites are IM conversations with Justin and Hector, choosing to be single, wow I finished that whole bottle of water!, authors, poets, writers, dreamers, cats, musicians will be the death of me, long car rides with friends, NOT Star Wars ;) wanting to be in love, family time, tacos, going to get food, having a dance party by myself, singing and acting out musicals for my mom and sisters, Roxie Hart, shin-digs, being home alone, odd dating, why boys lie, what's the deal with baseball caps? 

I am an emotional swearer.

But only in type or writing. When you say those words it sounds repulsive... but in writing... oh oh oh! Still repulsive. I apologize. I have been uncommonly profane lately, but hey, all the cool kids are doing it. Oh wait, that was the reason I never swore in the first place. I'll say 10 Hail Marys or go to supper without bed--I mean, bed without supper. The Catholic thing might be weird, seeing as I'm not Catholic.

Meet Me in Saint Louis.

Everyone is driving me out. I haven't made best friends this year, but just friends that I can talk to or sit with in class. But lately, my seat has been filled by people they care more about... and that person just isn't me. I wish I could have one good conversation with someone... I feel so left out of the school atmosphere, and the friend sphere. I just don't fit in anywhere. I am reconsidering the whole prom thing. I'm just going to wind up feeling awful the whole night. I never get invited anywhere, or make plans with anyone because they fall through or they're denied. I hate this feeling of hopeless loneliness. Fuck fuck fuck.

What goes around comes around...

I know I am going to regret not journaling anymore... for the rest of my life. Prom was sad and emotional for me. That's all I have to say for right now. Hopefully I really update later. I have to go shoot a short film.